rainy

My heart in a knot
2016-01-12 19:49:25 (UTC)

Today was...

Today at work was really bad, I'll just jump straight into it.

Well it all started yesterday, yesterday I didn't complete the work I was assigned to do, that's just the base of it... here's the rest, I've done this same task before and completed it on time, but yesterday that was a lot more work and many errors within the work. Ok, so here's the deal, the guy who normally does that job was OFF for the day which is why I had to do HIS job. Ok, now let me mention that he often takes days off when he knows the work will be difficult. It's also important to note that the manager that I started off on bad terms with is the one who assigned me this work, most likely knowing that I wouldn't be able to complete it.


So fast forward to this morning and I am sitting in the managers office having a "talk" about why I didn't complete the work. Now, he was being professional and didn't say what he WANTED to say, but the tone and everything was very clear.... you see they have hired 3 new employees and now they have more options, they can get rid of me if they want to. I mean, yes I admit I do have my short comings (no pun intended) but I can do the work on time and correctly. But often management makes decisions that make me end up looking like I'm faulty and can't preform the job. This is mostly because I already started off on the wrong foot there and apparently that's a no no because they will make your life miserable if you do.


So the managers message was loud and clear among all of his political professionalism: If I don't finish the work I'll be fired because they don't need me anyway when there are millions of other people who want the job.


My problem is that I haven't spoken up for myself like I should at this job, I've kind of allowed myself to be a door mat and now I'm paying for it. When my check didn't look right I didn't say anything, when they were making bad decisions about how things are ran I didn't say anything and when they were stepping out of their bounds and treating me like (you know what) I didn't say anything... I just wanted to be complacent in my job and for things to just run smoothly... well I'm paying the price.


The reason why I need this job right now is because I need a car, I have been driving my parents old car for a month and a half now and I'm tired of it. In fact tomorrow I'm going to look at a car. I think it may seem irresponsible for me to be considering purchasing a car when I may not have a job in a few weeks or months but transportation is actually quite important when trying to get and keep a job. Even if I wanted to use public transportation I wouldn't be able to with this job since often they call me in at the last minute, how could I possibly take public transportation that takes up to 2 hours to get to your destination plus the extra walking... now I'm not trying to sound lazy, I would love to walk to work, I would love to bike to work, and yes I would love to take public transportation because it's so much cheaper than having to have a car, because with a car you have to pay insurance, gas, repairs, maintenance! in fact it has been a headache looking for a car, so many cars have recalls for airbags and transmission problems, the last thing I want is to buy a car and have to put thousands of dollars worth of repairs in it!


So I'm not being lazy... but not having a car; at least in the city I live in, puts you at a disadvantage.


So I'm going to look for a car tomorrow, I think it's sad that I never seem to be able to find a car for around $200-500 U.S. dollars, I'm not going to be looking at any NEW cars, just used... I am really hating that I got in that accident right now because if I didn't I wouldn't be in this mess! Well, at least I walked away with my life, so here's to remaining positive (or trying to)


I could go on and on about my efforts to find a car but I just want to talk about this job situation because it's stressing me. The biggest reason why it's stressing me is because of how my performance may effect my ability to move into a different position within the company, I just feel like it's already a total loss, they send me an email today denying me for a job I applied to months ago that I didn't even remember, who knows what that could REALLY mean.


I just feel like the stage is set for something disastrous in the near future. I know that goes against my "positive thinking" mantra, I just feel like I have to tell myself everything will work out no matter what happens but I can't help but to feel anxiety about it, only because I know the scope of which people can fall into such despair, homelessness, abuse, and inevitably death when one can't provide the most basic of needs for themselves. I among most people have a high risk of homelessness because I don't have the support most other people have. And trust me, I'm aware of how narcissistic that may sound but I'm basing it off demographics of an already homeless population.

Regardless, in the exact moment I actually feel a zest for life. I feel like a lot is stacked up against me and it's so easy to fall into hopelessness and despair but to go against the gradient and smile through the difficult times is an admirable quality I want to possess.


I failed to mention that tomorrow is my day off which is why I'm going to the used car lot tomorrow to look at a car. They had originally called me this morning and told me that I was going to be scheduled off today and work tomorrow, but then they changed it, I guess because they wanted to go ahead and reprimand me today so they could make some sort of "official record"...


I just want a job in research! but I'm going to have to work for it... I feel so unorganized, I remember in my last class many of the students had already made plans for graduate school and potential jobs... just thinking about it makes me feel more at ease if I loose this job because this is not truly what I want to do with my life and I don't feel respected at work, in fact they seem to be making my life worst as I've had to work extra hard to find any joy and satisfaction, although I will say that the job itself isn't that bad, not as bad as I initially described it, mostly because I've gotten use to it and I even enjoy certain aspects of the job, although I could do without all of the added stress often brought on by poor management and a faulty system... to be honest I even have some ideas on how the company could improve but I doubt they'd want to hear it.


I just have the song "wildest dreams" in my head right now.. I like that song... but I just feel like I need to cry for a hour. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I just need to get in touch with my inner self... I need to figure out what is making me so miserable and figure out how to fix it.


I'm actually excited to go look at cars tomorrow, I hope I can find a good deal, I just wish I had someone to go with me, things are just funner with someone else. I haven't decided which car I want to look at first, for a while I was looking at some fords and chevorlets, but many of them had the GM recalls, and to be honest that's quite frightening since I've heard people have lost their lives because they completely loss control of the vehicle.. I don't want a vehicle like that... so right now I'm considering a Toyota, Toyota's have recalls too but I don't think they are as bad as the GM recalls.... or maybe I'm just being paranoid... sometimes I just think I should buy the cheapest car I can find for now, but the problem with that is that the cheapest car can turn out to be the most expensive when you have to take it to the repair shop every month (trust me I've been there), I'm so tired of having lemons for cars, ever since getting my first car at age 20 I've owned 4 cars, the longest lasting one was my last one which is now bent up and sitting in the driveway.


I guess I should call it a night, I'm going to get up early tomorrow to go out because I prefer doing things early in the morning, plus I need to wash clothes at the laundromat and get a few groceries.





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