Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2016-01-09 07:06:23 (UTC)

I'll Keep Being Miserable

I'm feeling demoralized. Not by just one thing, but a few. Which is not how I expected my day to go. I woke up feeling pretty darn optimistic. I was convinced that today would be a great day. Because why not? If I could have willed it into being, my optimism would have been enough.

I did wake up in time to go to the gym, but not with much time to spare. So, all I did was the leg circuit again (it's my biggest area of opportunity). I talked with the guy at the front desk to see when my free trail is up (it's the 10th). So, in the next couple days I'll need to pay for my real membership or lose access. I need to check groupon and see if there's a code to waive the joining fee. Anything to save a buck.

Work was demoralizer #1. As usual, I'm finding less and less satisfaction in my job. It was slow at first. So, payroll was cut way back, leaving me to manage the entire VSL side of the store (someone else was in PINK). Then, of course it got busy right round the time people get off work. I was running myself ragged trying to help everyone, manage the fitting rooms, answer questions, etc. You'd think my sales would have been amazing... Nope. I almost cried when I saw how little I'd been assigned. Not just because that's how I get paid, but because that's also an indicator of my performance. I'm being "graded" based on my sales per hour, number of bras sold, etc. I'm not exaggerating when I say I wanted to cry. I almost did. I haven't had a single really good day so far this year. 8 straight days in a row of shitty sales. I may not make incentive this month for the first time since it started if this doesn't turn around. I don't know what's going on, but it makes me want to quit even more. I'd rather work a lower paying job if it means not having my performance measured by a metric other people have control over. I'm not a cashier. I have zero control of how they track sales. I just want to walk away. But I know that isn't the responsible thing to do... so I'll keep being miserable.

Demoralizer #2. I left work fuming. My sadness and frustration gave way to anger. I'm sick of the whole situation. So I figured I'd find a constructive way of working out my anger. I went to the gym. I've been wanting to check out the Silverdale Snap location, and this seemed like as good a time as any to do that. Especially since I didn't get much of a workout in this morning... I wasn't impressed. The Silverdale location is not even half the size of the Poulsbo location. There isn't even a changing room. Just one unisex bathroom. I liked the way the free weight area was set up, but that's all it had going for it. The cardio equipment is old and beat up. The first elliptical I got on was missing a screw in the foot plate, causing my foot to be at a weird angle. I moved to another machine. I most definitely like the Poulsbo location. On top of less than stellar amenities, the mirrors on every wall made me look so fat. I have been feeling pretty good about myself lately, but since I was already sad, seeing myself in a less than flattering light wasn't helping my situation. And I'm weaker than I've been in a long time. 9 months away from the gym has done me no favors. My legs are still pretty strong, but even they have lost some strength. There is so much work to do.

Demoralizer #3. Looking at your chubby self in a horribly unflattering mirror, and thinking about all the work that needs to be done to get back to your previous level of fitness... and being hungry. It's the worst. Yet another reason to want to cry. I came home and made myself a small bowl of blackeye peas and rice, and a Japanese sweet potato. Healthy, yes. But the entire time I was eating it, I felt like my body continuously fails me. Why can't I be a healthy weight without having to try so fucking hard? I'm vegan for Christ's sake! Most vegans struggle to keep weight on... not me. I just get fatter somehow. I don't even get it.

I'm going to attempt getting to bed earlier so I can get a good nights sleep. I open tomorrow, so I'm thinking of going to the gym after work, instead of committing myself to get up at 6am, when I know that's totally out of character for me. I'd be setting myself up for failure.




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