Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2016-01-02 07:41:24 (UTC)

An Internal Battle of Wills

I've never been one of those people who make New Year's resolutions. Maybe when I was younger, but not that I can remember. I know myself. I always fuck up resolutions. I have the best of intentions. I stick with it for weeks, maybe even months, and then it happens... I get derailed. I fall off the wagon. Not even a delicate drop, but a tuck and roll off the back of the wagon. I'm not good at resolutions. And while I do plan on making some changes in my life (getting back in shape, managing my money better, learning another language, etc.), these are things I've wanted for awhile. The new year has nothing to do with it. Somehow I have to find the time and motivation to pull myself out of the stagnant hole I've managed to nestle myself down into. I'm stuck. But because the hole I'm in isn't bad (it's comfortable enough), I'm not in any great hurry to unearth myself. It's going to be an internal battle of wills between my desire to grow and my innate laziness.

When I woke up this morning I was in a dark, brooding mood. Partly because day 1 of the new year entailed me getting up early (already something I hate doing), so I could go to work (something I don't love doing, even if most days I don't hate my job), and being just late enough that I didn't leave myself time for food or coffee. The only thing that could make the day any better (I say better with all the sarcasm I can muster) was that Laura was at the store. I knew she was coming, but it had slipped my mind. Seems like she's always here. I don't dislike her, but the more exposure I have to her, the more I resent the fact that she is completely disconnected from what it's like working at the store level. She basically has no idea. She expects things that just aren't feasible. Like expecting someone to always be standing in both doorways greeting customers, even when we barely have the payroll to cover two cashiers. Wanting us to carry around our favorite bra, the free bag, credit card pamphlets, a mobile register, bottles of perfume, etc. and still be able to function. It's ludicrous her expectations sometimes. I often wonder why no one has the balls to challenge or push back. If I got more than a hello and goodbye out of her, I'd do it. But alas, I am just a pion.

I expect it will be busy tomorrow, it wasn't really busy today. I can't say I'm upset about it. I'm ready for things to go back to the way they usually are. When I don't feel particularly rushed, and there's time to spend with each customer. It's the one on one interactions that give me the most satisfaction. Well, the only satisfaction. I'm becoming less and less invested in the store as a whole. Which may be for the best. I think I've always given too much of myself. I tend to forget that VS is just a corporate machine like every other corporate machine and really, I'm not all that important. So why be emotionally invested? Not anymore. I'm just not doing it to myself anymore.

After last night's discussion, I expected Snookums to be distant. Perhaps angry with me. He isn't. I came home from work to a clean house, laundry done, sheets changed, Christmas decorations packed away, and a happy husband. I don't know why, but he was in a very jovial mood. He even initiated sex. I didn't much feel like it, but I let him because he wanted it, and I wasn't opposed. I could have made more of an effort to get into it, but I didn't feel like it. I "faked it". Something I've done for years. I wonder if he knows?




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