Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2015-12-15 07:27:48 (UTC)

Depression Is My Forever Friend

My depression is doing it's damnedest to take hold. The past week or so, I can feel myself slipping deeper and deeper into that place of apathy. Like, I just don't care. I want to, but the desire isn't enough to make it happen. I want to get up in the morning and be productive. But I literally can't get up. Like a pile of bricks is sitting on my chest, sinking me into the bed. I just want to sleep, read, eat, stare off into space. Anything but live. I have moments when I feel like a fat slob, but then I'll feel okay, but then the fat slovenly feelings come back. I'm never going to be done with this. Depression is my forever friend.

I downloaded the Whisper app today. This was probably a mistake. It's a bigger time-sucker than Facebook. Mostly I want to make memes with it. I didn't realize people actually go on there to share their deepest, darkest secrets. Its anonymous. I can see the appeal, but as I was trying to think of something scandalous to share... I just couldn't. I simply don't have any deep, dark, festering secrets. I've worked all of that out during my years and years of intensive therapy.

Speaking of therapy, I had an interesting encounter with what I assume was a teenaged girl (based on her writing style and story). She confided in me that she's a cutter and is struggling with resisting the urges to cut. I suggested she seek therapy. I told her about how beneficial therapy has been for me, and how great it is to have someone to confide in. She shot down each and every point I made. I guess she finally got frustrated, because she accused me of calling her stupid and treating her like she's dumb. I didn't. Not at any point. But I eventually got tired of going back and forth with her. So, I blocked her. It wasn't what I wanted to do, but I said good night to her three times and she just kept messaging me. Telling me how she knows herself and she knows therapy wouldn't work for her. No one can tell her what to do. Her friends can help. Blah, blah, blah. Typical "I know everything" teenager stuff. I hope she gets her life figured out, but I'm not the one to help.

We finally got our Christmas tree today! I had to practically drag myself out of bed today. Getting dressed is such a struggle when my depression is this heavy. But I did it. We found a really nice Douglas Fir and got it cut down in less than half an our. We did our usual Hubert's Tree Farm excursion. We did leave out the Noble House and apple cider part, but it was getting dark and the farm closes at 5pm (it was 4:30pm at this point). Our schedules just haven't been coinciding very well, and then the weather has been exceptionally wet. Today was our best chance, and it worked out well. I strung the tree with multicolored LED lights, and the kids did the rest of the decorating. I'm not a fan of the holidays. That's no secret. But watching them happily decorate their tree makes it all worth it. They were so excited and cheerful. They had some hot cocoa with marshmallows and took their time going through all the ornaments. I couldn't help but smile. They're why I do it.




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