Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2015-12-01 07:30:06 (UTC)

What Is It?

I didn't sleep at all last night. And by "at all", I mean not at all. Snookums' alarm went off at 4:30am (he had to be to work at 6am), and I was still just as awake as I was when he went to sleep the night before. The main reason was because of my back. It's been flaring up lately. The neck pain all the way down to the shooting lightning bolts that run down my legs and into my feet. Sometimes the left leg, sometimes the right. I'd roll onto my left hip, and it would start throbbing. So I'd roll onto my right side, and then that hip would start throbbing. The only position my spine wasn't totally belligerent in was flat on my back, which isn't conducive to sleep for me. I can't get comfortable that way. So, I gave up. By around 6am, I finally got too tired to keep my eyes open, and fell asleep until around 10am. I can't have a repeat of that tonight. I have to work at 9am, and no sleep would make for a miserable day.

While I was up all hours, into the morning I played one game of Bejeweled after another and pondered a question that has been plaguing me for weeks now: what is it about me people don't like? The vast majority of the time I really don't care how people feel about me. It's taken many, many years to reach that point, but for the most part I've arrived. I am confident in who I am as a person, what I stand for, what I feel/think/believe. I'm my own person, and I am totally okay with going against popular opinion. I don't need to be one of the crowd to feel validated... and then there's those isolated moments when I seriously am hurting. There are times (few and far between, but they happen) where I'm at war with myself over what it is about me that puts people off. Why am I constantly losing friends? If you could ever call them friends at all. Corey told me that my confidence can be intimidating. That my strong belief in my perspective can make others feel defensive about their own views. In that regard, I'm threatening. I don't mean to come off that way, but it makes sense. I try my very best to look at everything from all angles. Once I come to a conclusion, I feel strongly that I've chosen the best, most accurate mindset. But also, that mindset is fluid and easily amended when presented with new and compelling information. Like if someone could actually provide evidence that God exists. I'd be willing to hear it! So, I sat up in bed all night shuffling gems around, collecting coins, and feeling shitty because people don't get me. I'm too much.

In order for the most people to like me, and want to be my friend, I'd have to water myself down to make my big personality more palatable. I'm just not willing to make that kind of concession. I've worked too hard to become the person I am. I've spend too long pandering to the unimportant individuals that come in and out of my life. You meet everyone for a reason or a season. The people that leave, their season has passed. I just have to come to terms with that. If it's personal, it's none of my business. But I'd like to think I've stretched their consciousness, made them a little uncomfortable, and even if they remove me from their daily life, they'll never be able to remove the awakening I've planted inside of them. Like a seed, hopefully it grows.

This evening after dinner with the family, I took a couple hours to show my body a little TLC. I ran myself a nice Epsom salt bath with eucalyptus and lime essential oils, deep conditioned my hair, shaved my legs (because it feels nice, and I wanted to, not because society says I'm supposed to), and exfoliated my skin. The cold weather we've been having has left my hair feeling dry, and my skin itchy. This was just what I needed. I listened to some soul music, and let the Epsom salt seep into my aching back. It helped. Mind and body.

Almost like a tradition, when I get out of the bath Snookums and I will spend some quality time together (which will usually result in us having sex). It starts out as conversation. We'll lay on our bed and talk with the candles still lit, and the music going, and no clothes. That might have something to do with it ending with sex. It's one of my favorite "traditions". We don't have a lot of sex. I've mentioned this before, and it continues to be something we struggle with. Our schedules don't always mesh well. A lot of the time one or both of us is debilitatingly tired. It just doesn't work out more often than it actually does... but when it does... it's a beautiful thing. Since working at Trader Joe's Snookums has lost quite a bit of weight, and has gained stamina in equal measure. If we weren't always so damn tired from working our high demand retail jobs, sex more often would be a given! It's nice to have encounters that don't end in him having an erectile dysfunction, or getting a cramp in his leg, or running out of energy. I didn't realize how big of an issue his weight had become until he pointed out himself how much better he's feeling. Then I noticed, too. I'm happy he's happier. Even if our encounters are small in quantity, they're going great in quality. I can be happy with that for now. And on the nights when sex just isn't in the cards, I'll continue to enjoy laying in bed naked with candles and music, until he drifts off. It's not always about sex.

I've made a commitment to myself to get back in the kitchen and start making my meals again. Lately I've been depending on processed meals too much. My fruit and veggie intake has been lacking, and I'm guessing that's what's been making me feel fat. It's not weight gain, I was bloated. The past couple days I've been much better about limiting my processed intake, and I'm feeling back to normal. Crisis averted.

I guess I had a few things to say tonight... maybe now I'll be able to sleep.




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