kittykat

kitten_life
2015-12-01 07:07:45 (UTC)

Funk

Woke up and I am in a funk. Can't quite explain it, just in a bad mood. Just tired and cranky. You know those moments where everything gets to you? Just every little thing bothers you? That's what I feel like right now. And I clench my jaw as tears run down my face. I don't have the right words, so I clench my jaw to keep quiet. Coping mechanism that ends up causing me a great deal of pain.

I deal with things a lot I've come to realize. Things that upset me, anger me, frustrate, annoy, irk, irate, etc. I just deal with them. Never really open up and say how I feel. Never really confront anyone about anything. Just clench my teeth and move on. Funny thing is that I never know I'm clenching while I'm actually doing it. It isn't until afterward when jaw is sore that I realized what I've done.

This in turn will give me a headache, on top of throbbing jaw, which will also foul my mood. Like a never ending cycle. As if I need another reason to be in a bad mood.

On top of the now headache, let's throw in feeling sick. So I'm in a bad mood, angry or frustrated, bad headache, and feel like I'm going to puke. Can't do anything about all of those so maybe let's focus on something else.

Oh i know, let's paint my nails. That's a distraction! Maybe the pretty nails will brighten my spirits. The smell of the nail polish makes me stomach flip because it is already nauseous. I suck it up and try to keep painting. Need to get done. Nausea is getting worse and worse. Headache is full blown entire head throbbing. Mood worsens. This plan didn't work.

Cannot handle it, run to the bathroom. Start heaving and throw up the dinner I managed to eat, an actual meal, for the first time in days. My stomach hurts, heaving is painful. Head is exploding. As I seem to have stopped, I look down...managed not to get any in my hair but look, nails are smudged and all messed up. Clenching teeth again. Bad taste in mouth, so let's brush teeth. Look over at the scale, shall we see how much I threw up? It says I'm down a pound and a half. But I'm still two pounds more than I was last weekend. Frustration and tears form.

Return to the smelly nail polish, need to fix them again. I sigh. Head throbbing, stomach hurts, tummy queasy, tears in my eyes, as I paint my nails.

170.5




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