Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2015-11-29 07:26:29 (UTC)

There Was Much Bleeding

I feel fat. I've been feeling this way for a couple weeks now, but I'm not sure I've reached a point where I really feel super compelled to do anything about it. It remains to be seen if I've actually gained any weight, since I never weigh myself. I'm just going off of how I feel in my skin, and how my clothes are fitting. Which is tough since I tend to prefer drapey, free flowing clothing, anyway. At times I have visions of myself as the willowy, slender, dainty, Earth mama, hippie chick, who fully embodies what it (stereotypically) looks like to be a vegan. Honestly, I'm still kind of surprised that I haven't wasted away to nothing. Leave it to me to figure out how to be a fat vegan. I'm always finding ways to keep weight on. I know how to lose weight, but I can't make myself keep it off. I know at the moment my nemesis is sugar. I eat too much of it, drink too much of it. I like sweet stuff. I need to reign that in. Sugar is a hell of a drug.

I had a minor injury remind me that I need to get my iron levels checked. I was supposed to do that this month. Obviously with the month coming to an end, that isn't going to happen. I was at work and I reached into my beauty belt (a little fanny pack type apparatus we used to carry around our stuff - headset, keys, pens, lip gloss, measuring tape, phone, etc.) to grab a fit card (we write the customer's size and which bras she liked on them), and I managed to slice my cuticle open on the razor sharp edge of the fit card stock paper. There was much bleeding. It just kept coming. Not to be morbid, but I was slightly fascinated with how bright it was in color. Not true red, but almost orange in color. Vermillion would be a good descriptor. I wonder if that could be a sign that my red blood cell count is low again... *sigh* This will ever end.

Our district manager came to the store today. I've missed her the last couple visits she's made, and honestly was kind of hoping I'd miss her this time, too. Every time I see her I'm reminded of how much I don't fit in with the higher ups in the company. Over 9 years with the company, and I'm only good for the amount of sales I can generate. Maybe if I was better at kissing ass and playing games I'd be more suitable for leadership. I do new associate onboarding, teach other associates how to be expert bra fitters, help run the business, I understand all the metrics. But I'm never going to be "management material" like the rest of them. What is it about me that doesn't mesh well? I don't know. Even though I've asked, no one can really tell me. Or simply won't tell me. I think it's a big part of my discontent with my current position. I'm capable of so much more. I'm too fucking intelligent for this mindless bullshit. I need something different/more/better, but I'm not sure what exactly "better" looks like.

I just need to get through tomorrow, then I have Monday off. I don't know what I'm going to do with my day off, but I'm counting down the moments until I get to it!




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