Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2015-11-27 04:32:27 (UTC)

Idyllic Ignorance or Painful Consciousness

It's Thanksgiving and I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about it. All of my life Thanksgiving has been the standard Americanized day of "giving thanks". Turkey, with all the sides. Love your family. Macy's parade. Football. You know... well, now I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel. I'm vegan, so the bird carcass centerpiece is definitely done for. Now, I'm coming to the painful realization that the quaint Pilgrims and Indians imagery is just that. Imagery. The true story is one of genocide, massacre, displacement, hate, and topped off with unnecessary death. Not exactly what people think of when they think of Thanksgiving. And then there's the whole commercialized side with Black Friday creeping into Thanksgiving, and more people caring about getting a good deal on a tv than their fellow man. I'm torn between wanting to go back to idyllic ignorance or painful consciousness. I'm painfully aware of a lot of things I'd like to forget about these days...

I'm still mostly avoiding Facebook. I pop in here and there and scroll a little, but I'm not posting. Everything I think and feel is so vastly different from what all my friends are posting. My mind is in such a vastly different headspace, I almost cant identify with anyone. Even a lot of the vegans I'm friends with still aren't fully aligned. There are a few who get me, but they also aren't on Facebook much. I see why. It's emotionally and mentally draining speaking the truth and always being hated for it. No one wants to hear the truth when it doesn't align with their chosen reality. I avoided my newsfeed all day today because I knew it would be full of dead turkeys. It surprises me how sensitive I am about that now. It didn't used to bother me, but now it does. I wish it didn't. I wish I could not feel yet another feeling so deeply. Everything cuts me so deeply. I hate the world I live in more and more each day.

Last night before going to bed, I felt an extremely overwhelming desire to start looking for another job. This time of year really overextends me. To the verge of panic. I'm so grateful I didn't have to go in tonight. Snookums did. He's doing security/crowd control at VS. Some retail workers live for the holidays. They love how fast-paced and crazy it is. While I do like being busy at work, Black Friday isn't what I mean. I'm seriously considering some sort of medical field. Mostly because they pay would be comparable, but the hours would be more stable. I'd get evening and weekends with the kids. Holidays off. Vacation time. Things people who shop Black Friday sales take for granted.

Annie expressed an interest in reading my diary today. My diary is public, but I hadn't really thought about one of my kids wanting to read it. I told her if she could find it, she could read it. Of course, I then made it harder for her to find. I removed the link from my Facebook page (which she never knew was there, but just in case she checked), and I changed the name of my diary (removed Jennifer). There's nothing else that would make my diary easily identifiable for her. There's nothing about my life I wouldn't tell her eventually, but the whole of 2007 I'd like to tell her on my own terms. But then again, maybe reading my true feelings as they were happening would be easier than me trying to explain it this many years later.

I don't know what's going on with Keenan today, but he's never been so contrary. His attitude is nasty. He keeps whining and complaining about EVERYTHING. Demanding his way. Telling me how bored he is, how he has nothing to do. Yet, when I make suggestions, he shoots everything down. Now he's crying on the couch because I'm taking too long on MY computer, and he wants to use it. I already told him his behavior has excluded him from any computer time this evening. I don't tolerate that kind of behavior. I will be getting off my computer now, but not so he can use it. So that I can dig a little deeper into what's going on with him. He's never this negative. Ever.




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