Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2015-11-11 09:03:31 (UTC)

What Could Have/Should Have Been

This will be short, because I've got cinnamon rolls in the oven (at 1am, I'm baking cinnamon rolls), and really I just feel like eating them.

My day was entirely encompassed by work. It was a weird day, too. I was in training, certifying one of the new associates. But it was the new training materials, so it took all of an hour. It wouldn't have even taken that long except it was extraordinarily slow and we needed a customer for her to measure. So, really I just spent the day bullshitting around, because my numbers weren't really counting against me. I still had top sales, but not even half of what I normally do. Not because I was overtly not selling. There just wasn't very many customers to help.

I've come to the conclusion that this time of year is definitely the toughest season for me. I've been struggling more and more the colder, wetter, and darker it gets. I rarely see the sun, and even when I do, it's too cold for me to do anything outdoors comfortably. I've been feeling really tired (yet struggle to sleep without cannabis). I'm coping better than I have in past years. I'm grateful for that. It doesn't change the fact that I'm still not living my best life right now. I would love to know why it's so much harder for me to hold onto happiness when the dreary days come along. Why does the weather have such a profound impact on me? I don't feel down when it rains during the summer months. Part of it is that this is a tough time of year for me because of things that have happened in the past. I realize this, and it's what's making shitty weather have an impact. Time keeps moving, but the pain is etched into my soul. I wish I could go back and make some different choices. Not because I regret the outcome. I don't. It was a beautiful encounter that led to a beautiful (short, but loved) life. I wish I could have handled everything that happened differently. I know it's pointless to wish that. I'm light years ahead of where I once was mentally. My emotional growth is ever-evolving. But it doesn't stop me from yearning for what could have/should have been.

I need to go eat cinnamon rolls now...




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