Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2015-11-08 09:28:24 (UTC)

Just Tell Me I'm Pretty

I often wonder if I'm a narcissist. It's a conversation I've had with my therapist on several occasions, and she always says the same thing; a narcissist doesn't worry about being a narcissist. They see nothing wrong with their behavior, and couldn't care less if people object to their way of thinking. So... by that logic, I'm not a narcissist. I've just gotten really good at loving myself. Being proud of myself. Sticking up for what I believe in. Wanting to be happy. Liking the way I look, think, feel. I'm finally accepting myself. There isn't anything wrong with that, even if perhaps some people might think so. Even if sometimes I think so.

The reason my whole self-doubt issue with thinking I'm a narcissist came up yet again, is because I've noticed lately that my thinking has shifted. I used to think I was unattractive and undesirable. If men paid attention to me, I'd cling to it/them because deep down I didn't feel I was worthy of the attention. Or deserving. Now, I'm feeling very confident. As I get older I really feel like I'm coming into my own. I like my physical appearance, and I think that translates into a level of self-assurance I didn't have before. More men (and women) comment on my appearance now more than ever before... and I like it. I like it that people find me attractive. Some days I get frustrated because I want to be seen as more than just a pretty face. I want to be seen as intellectually challenging. Thoughtful. Sharp. Not just beautiful. Then other days... just tell me I'm pretty.

As I branch out more into the vegan groups, I'm making new "friends" from around the world. Today on Facebook, I had a vegan from Italy friend request me. He messaged me soon after I accepted his request, and we chatted for a little bit. The usual stuff. How long have you been vegan? Where are you from? What do you do? Then it got into more personal (but still appropriate) questions: How old are you? What do you like to do in your free time? Stuff you'd ask someone you were interested in. He told me I'm beautiful, and I look so much younger than I am. He even wrote in an Italian accent. I don't know why, but the exchange was very gratifying. It never became inappropriate, and probably only lasted about 10 minutes, but I liked it. I talked to Snookums about it, and he really didn't have much insight into it (he never does). He basically just chalked it up to me being flattered that someone other than him finds me attractive. It all feels so shallow. I feel shallow. And then again, I don't. When I'm old and grey (if I get to old age), at least I'll be able to look back on my attractive youth.

I had a really crap day at work, and yet I'm not really upset about it. I don't even care. It was so busy, and yet I didn't even come close to my sales goal. We had over 80 unassigned sales. I can't let it bother me, or I'll lose my mind worrying about it. But man, days like this make me want to get the hell out of retail even more. Simply so I won't have to feel the pressure of performing every damn day. The money almost isn't worth it. But on a good day, it totally is. I wish I had a crystal ball, so I could look into the future and see how much longer I'm going to be willing to put up with this bullshit.




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