Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2015-11-06 08:15:48 (UTC)

I Rip Scabs Off Semi-Healed Wounds

I'm struggling. I'm not too proud to admit that. This week has gotten progressively harder and harder each day. I woke up this morning with zero desire to bother getting out of bed. As hard as I try to always remain positive, my depression comes in seasons. I've been doing so well, and now I can feel myself slipping back into the abyss. It's not surprising. This time of year is notoriously tough for me. I think a lot of it has to do with the time change, more darkness, less sunshine, colder temperatures, and the impending holidays. It's the perfect storm of depression, anxiety, and general unhappiness.

The holidays have a terrible connotation in my mind, and they always have. Between work being brutal and long, and the painful memories of my mother (who adored, yet simultaneously sapped all the joy out of the holidays for anyone else), it's just not my favorite time of year. I try to make the most of it for my children, but it drains me. I was really looking forward to taking a trip this winter. I thought it would be the perfect break from reality I need. but Snookums has school, and I can't take that much time off work (because it's holiday).

I've been saying for months now that I'm going to look into hot yoga. I can't procrastinate any longer. I need something, and I think getting into something that encompasses both the physical and the mental will be perfect. I also need to consider getting back into therapy. It's been a long enough hiatus. The trouble with therapy is that I feel like once a week, I just beat a dead horse. That's not a very vegan saying... I rehash the same old junk. I dredge up the past, and I rip scabs off semi-healed wounds. Does that really do me any good? It's debatable.

I texted with Gen for all of 10 minutes tonight, but I think it helped. I'm doing better without her being here than I thought I would. Probably because even when we lived 20 minutes from one another, we still didn't see each other all that often. It's my fault. I'm not social, and I make no apologies for that. But man, I miss the ability to see her when I need to. Or when she needs me. She says I help her, but honestly I don't feel like I do. She gives me more than I give her, and I feel bad about that at times. It's not because I don't want to. She just seems more resilient than I am. Not to mention she has lots of friends who are willing to help and support her if she needs it. I don't have that. I just have her. I don't need anyone else, though. She's my person. And tonight I found out she's going to be gone for at least another 3 years. Just a little more sadness to add to the top of my seasonal sadness pile. Yay...




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