Interrupted
My Life Thus Far
The Remembering
You know it's been too long since the last time you had sex when you wake up sore like you just took the most strenuous kickboxing class. My abs, my hips, my hamstrings, you name it. I'm sore. All day, every little movement reminded me of last night. Sometimes the remembering is just as good as the original act. I'd be lying if I said my mood wasn't better.
I still walked into work with the same bitterness I felt yesterday. Only, today it was slightly tempered by the knowledge that I'm fully and totally capable of making everyday a good day. I'm not just going to get through the day, I'm going to conquer the day. And I did. It was good, because I chose for it to be. I believe part of the phenomenon of "good days" is willing them into being. If I choose to focus on each and every little negative moment, of course the day will start to feel bad. What you think is what you see. So by telling myself I WILL have a good day, I'm setting the expectation that a good day is really the only option. Positivity breeds more positivity. But unfortunately, negativity works the same way. Repetition helps with retention. If I keep telling myself that today is a good day, eventually that sentiment will be retained. So goes my logic.
By the time I got home the kids were already asleep. The second night in a row I didn't get to see them before they went to bed. Sometimes it feels like I barely see them, but I'm off tomorrow, and for this I'm grateful. Snookums and I did get to have dinner together. That's something exceedingly rare these days. We sat at the bar in the kitchen and enjoyed an amicable silence while we ate. We've reached a place where silence is comfortable, and just being near one another is enough. After dinner, we came back to our bedroom. I told Snookums about how sore I'm feeling and he offered to massage my back and leg muscles. You can imagine that the close physical proximity after so many weeks without it, kind of got him a little excited. Even though I wasn't particularly feeling "in the mood", after our conversation yesterday, I thought better of turning him down. There's never been a time where I've wished we hadn't had sex. Or regretted it. Once you get going, the mood arises, and you get into it. Which was the case tonight. I feel so much closer to him. Like our bond is cemented or reaffirmed after a physical encounter. It's a different feeling than just having a simple conversation or co-parenting, or chatting in passing. We are one, and we are connected. I need it, even if I'd like to think I don't.
I told Annie I'd take her Homecoming dress shopping tomorrow. I really don't want to. It's not that I don't want to take her dress shopping. I do! I'd just prefer it be on a day when she doesn't have school, and we'd have more time to go to Seattle or Tacoma for a better selection. She's such an easy to please kid, and wouldn't even want to go out of our way to find her a dress. Last year she found one at Ross for $20 (and it was so stinkin' cute on her). She's going to her boyfriend's Homecoming dance. This is the first year she has an actual date (that isn't a girlfriend), and I want it to be memorable and very special. I often feel stuck between wanting to give my kids the best of everything, and remembering that we aren't rich. I can only do so much without crossing into the realm of poor choices. She'll finds something. She'll be happy. She
always is. Besides, she'll only be wearing the darn thing for one night.
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