Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2015-09-30 09:04:41 (UTC)

My Tangible Bits of Sanity

I'm not sure what has possessed me to stay up so late, and just now start writing after 2am, but here I am. I'm pretty proud of my track record as far as writing goes. I think I've only missed one day since starting back up in March, and that was because I was under the effects of anesthesia and physically couldn't. I was sleeping. Anyhow, I'm convinced that writing each night (whatever time of night I get around to it) has definitely provided another layer of stability to my life. I need consistency, and no one can give me that, but myself. Whatever small gestures it manifests itself as, stability for me is a few consistent things I refuse to compromise on. My tangible bits of sanity. Family, work, writing, reading, alone time, veganism, all help me feel a little more grounded and linked into life. For awhile I was floundering, and I think its because I'd lost what makes me feel stable and secure. I'm getting all of that back, and I'm continuously working on not letting myself lose sight of what's important to me. No matter how ambivalent depression may make me feel.

I arrived at work this morning feeling like there was just no way I could make it through the day. I don't know why I even bother feeling like that. Of course I'm going to make it through the day. I always do. There's absolutely zero excuses for me not to show up and show out. I'm the best at what I do. I know it, my coworkers know it, my customers know it. I need to act like it. Not just sometimes, but all the time. There's no doubt I'll make it through. But it isn't at all about surviving. It's about thriving, and for the first time in a long while, I can honestly say, I feel like I'm thriving. I'm in a great place. I'm handling obstacles and hiccups better. I'm remaining positive, and letting myself roll with the punches. Sara even complimented me on my emerging resiliency today. Things are changing within the company, and I'm more adept at riding out those changes, whereas even a year ago, I wouldn't have been able to flex myself to fit the evolving needs of the business. Even though I came in feeling like I just didn't want to, I sucked it up and got on with it. Turns out I was in training hours all day, getting a few of the new hires bra certified. Being in training means I'm not expected to sell, but if I do happen to sell anything I get credit for those dollars, but there isn't a sales per hour clock grading my performance. It's liberating being free from that once in awhile. I think I'm in training again tomorrow. Doesn't mean I don't still enjoy the challenge of high performance selling. I do. Mostly. Who am I kidding, being in training hours feels like a hall pass to relax and not be "on" from punch in to punch out. I can have a little more fun.

I had a conversation with Snookums tonight about our relationship, and our sex life. This conversation needed to happen now while it was simply observations on my part, and not coming from a place of frustration and hurt. With the new school year commencing (for him), his work schedule, my work schedule, the kids' schedules, etc. It's looking like we're going to have less and less time together. Already we're only seeing each other awake for about 2 hours/day. Not ideal. This basically translates to zero physical intimacy, and not a whole lot of emotional intimacy, either. So, tonight I pointed out to him the path we're headed down (one we've walked before, much less successfully), and some steps I wanted us to take to head of any feelings of resentment and neglect.

We had sex.

It's been longer than I care to keep track of, and with things being as busy as they have been, it didn't look like it was going to happen on it's own. Sex is one of those things in a relationship that doesn't seem to be a big deal... until it isn't there. Or something about it is wrong. For us, it's not making that time together a priority. We were slowly turning into roommates. Even though he was tired, he expressed his desire, and how he thinks about it all the time, but by the time he gets home, or I get home, it doesn't happen. So, we stopped what we were doing, and made it happen! It was quick and wonderful. No need to drag it out. We both got what we needed. Now if we could just keep this going. I don't want to feel isolated and removed from him like I did a couple of years ago. I don't want to slip back into old, destructive behaviors.

I don't know how I missed it, but I guess diaries have followers now. Apparently I have 8. Hello followers. I'm glad you're here. Seems strange to me that anyone would want to keep tabs on my silly life, but I appreciate the interest. Something I want to work on is the quality and content of my writing. I want to share more feelings. Deeper thoughts. Ideas. Less mundane dribble about the daily stuff that isn't really going to change much. I need to tap into a deeper place, and study the stuff locked away in my mind. Perhaps it'll make for better reading? It'll definitely make for more fun writing!





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