Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2015-09-15 07:00:13 (UTC)

My Hedonistic Morning of Pleasure

Honestly, I have nothing bad to write about today. It was a wonderful day. From the moment I woke up to this moment in time, I feel at peace. Any negativity that entered my mind at any point in the day, I was able to release almost effortlessly. Finally! This has been something I've been working on for years. Specifically over the past several months. Practice makes perfect, of course.

I woke up this morning, and instead of the intangible sense of doom and gloom that usually descends upon me as soon as I open my eyes, I felt light and happy. Like, I already knew today was going to be a good day. That's the kind of thing you can't force yourself to do. That first thought in the morning is outside of your conscious control. Its what your subconscious decides, not the conscious mind. After the initial mood sets in you can choose to change it, but you can't decide what your brains is going to do before you're conscious. So, to wake up without that ever present sense of dread was really awesome. I ate macaroni and cheese for breakfast while baking a chocolate cake. That's basically how my hedonistic morning of pleasure went; I woke up happy, ate comfort food for breakfast, and baked a cake!

Snookums had to meet with his advisor to tie up some loose ends with his degree, then he had work, so I was on my own today. I felt like I wanted to go hiking yesterday, but my back has been a little twingy lately (my period is coming soon, and it's always worse the week before). It was even worse this morning, so I decided to do some walking, instead of overdoing it hiking. I'm trying to be better about that, even if I won't admit it needs some other treatment beyond doing nothing.

I'm drawn to Port Townsend. I know I've talked about this before, but I love the town. I love the vibe. I love how Bohemian, free-spirited, artsy, hippie, crunchy it is. I feel like I fit in. People don't ask me stupid questions, or touch my hair. They don't make me feel like an outsider. When I say I'm vegan, they let me know my options (instead of asking what that means). It's just a great town, and I would love to live there. But until (or if) that happens, I will be content escaping there now and again for my much needed alone time. I feel like its the most conducive environment for me to let myself be free. I have such a staunch, professional image at work, which isn't who I actually am (not anymore. Not for a long time), that I need a chance to just be FREE! To put on my floral leggings and tie-dyed tunics, scarves, and rock my messy hair. I want to read books, walk barefoot on the beach, eat amazing vegan food, and feel like I'm surrounded by like-minded people. I get all of that in PT. It's an escape from my fault reality here. Obviously I'm happy at home, but being happy at work - takes work! I'm really in limbo about it, but as of right now I can't afford to quit, and I make too much to just walk away for something else. It would have to be pretty special to risk everything like that.

After spending a few hours stretching my wings, I came home and did my motherly duties. I cooked the kids a hearty, but simple soup of potatoes, leeks, carrots, mushrooms, garlic, turmeric, and lots of herbs. All three of them are fighting off that first cold of the new school year. They don't ever get knocked down by sickness. They're all really healthy, but I can tell by their energy levels (or lack thereof) that they're feeling a little rundown. They loved it. I really liked it too, I make soup all the time, but I never write down recipes (meaning no two soups are ever alike). I should write this one down.

On the drive home tonight it occurred to me that the crushing depression is gone. It's been gone for awhile, but I wasn't allowing myself to think about it. For once, I'm not feeling like I'm being pinned down by a million pounds of sadness. Life is good, and I feel light. I want to feel like this forever. It's a dream worth fighting for!




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