rainy

My heart in a knot
2015-09-06 19:02:32 (UTC)

Longest 2 weeks

It's been 2 weeks since my last appointment with the job that I'm about to take on this coming Tuesday, and it has honestly been the longest 2 weeks that I've experienced in a long time, especially concerning working.


I think the reason why I'm so anxious is because I'm honestly ready to work, or if anything ready to make some money and get back on my feet until I decide what I'm going to do next for my education.

The problem I'm having with this job is the anxiety that is coming along with how well I'll preform when I do start this job on Tuesday, I mentioned this before but the job has no guarantee, I have to first learn everything during orientation, then I have to take a driving test that I will have to pass, then I have 90 days of evaluation. In the past 2 weeks that I've been waiting for orientation to start I've passed up 3 jobs! Three jobs that I would have by now if I wasn't waiting for this one. But I decided to wait because this job pays the most and right now I need the most I can get for the hours worked.

Right now I'm fighting a headache that I've had since Friday after I put some new stuff in my hair, I don't know why I do this stuff to myself knowing that I have some type of chemical sensitivity. I really don't understand it, I see other people exposed to all kinds of chemicals.. they even smoke, drink, and eat lots of fast food and they don't seem to have the sensitivity that I have. I have been starting to wonder if it's because I'm not active enough.


I did a detox today; spinach, kale, water and a vitamin and mineral shake mix, I've also been taking immunity supplements. I'm trying to wash my hair to get any residue out, I attempted to take a walk at the park this morning but ran into some trouble. So here's the story... it was like 9:30am and I woke up feeling well rested but my body just felt like it needed to stretch and move, so I decided I'd take my dog to the park that is up the street from me (the one I avoided for so long) well when I got there I was surprised to see other people there because I was expecting to take a early morning walk and go back home.


Well I arrived and there were about 5 other people in various places and one lady sitting with her dog and reading a book. I decided to take a walk along the trail because it's a very nice trail and it's quick and would be enough to get my blood pumping. But I never got that far, the problem was that there was a man and woman at the park and they had a large German Shepard dog, I heard them call the dog "Rocky", the dog was big and maybe about a year or two old. They also didn't have control of the dog, the dog was on a short leash but was running around freely. Well at first I tried to avoid the dog by going another way but that didn't help, the minute I started to walk the other way the dog saw us and came charging right at us!


I honestly was kind of in a daze, I didn't run, but my dog did and she was terrified! My dog is only medium size and is intimidated by larger dogs, she didn't bark or fight, she just had a terrified look on her face as she tried to run away. I was afraid for my safety too, but the dog didn't have any interest in me and I was concerned about my dog getting attacked because I've heard horror stories of people's dogs getting attacked as well as people getting attacked by dogs.


The owners were terrible! all they did was call the dog and stand and look... I could tell they were unsure what their dog might do, I think they were keeping a distance in case a fight broke out so they could run away if their dog attacked someone. I didn't say anything to them, but I looked at them because I was afraid to go near, I know if my dog were to think the other dog was going to attack me she would start a fight and she is just too small and old to be getting in any fights. I kept a distance and waited for the owners to come get their dog.


Luckily for both of us the dog wasn't trying to attack but just seemed curious but I don't doubt that a fight could of broken out had anyone made any wrong moves. The owners were also very slow at getting their dog, the only reason the dog left my dog alone was because it was distracted by the other dog and it ran over to the other dog and my dog started to run away, I let her in the car because she was terrified.


I think eventually the owners got a hold of their dog but I didn't stay to see. I just left and went home. It was honestly a bit of an eye opening experience, although I did have pepper spray with me I didn't use it, I was going to but I noticed the dog didn't seem aggressive.. either way it could of ended badly. I went home to look up some dog repellent products and found horror stories of people who had been attacked by dogs, the situation kind of left me shaken because it could of turned out worst for both of us.


I just don't want this experience to keep me afraid of going out, we all take a risk when we go out, it really has just made me realize that I need to know how to protect myself. So I'm just going to get some things to help me protect myself. But I still can't help but to be upset over the situation, mostly because the owners of the other dog were the ones being careless, that park is not a dog park, if anything it is mostly for children and people wanting to walk, dogs are allowed but they have to be on leash and with the owners at all times.. it's just a safety issue for everyone. I decided not to call animal control on them although I should of given them an earful because they couldn't get a handle on their dog and worst case scenario I would be in a hospital right now with multiple dog bites and my dog would be gone too.


Staying alive is a task... I'm going to drive to another city for my orientation and I'm going to use my dash cam in case something happens, only because it's a larger city with more traffic so I need to protect myself. Hopefully orientation goes well, if it doesn't then I'll just accept it and look for another job, the good news is that there are jobs out here. Hopefully one of the jobs I passed up will be willing to take me even though I passed them up. If not there are still places I can apply to. I'm just ready to start working, but I'm also nervous at the same time because I don't know what to expect.


Not much else has been going on in my life, I'm feeling anxious because I haven't started studying for the quantitative part of the GRE yet, I'm still on the verbal section trying to get a grasp on all of these words I need to know. I did discover that I was taking the wrong approach by just memorizing words, I need to do more than that. I need to integrate the words I learn into my everyday speech and writing. I've started to read The New York Times because it was recommended as a good study aid to help me remember and learn the words in context, and sure enough I started to see words that I've been learning being used. I need to make a commitment to myself to start using those words in my writing, and I'm going to make that commitment right now, so from here on out I should be including those words in my writing.


The anxiety surrounding not having a job yet though has been a distraction as well, so a lot of expectations are on this job I'm going for. By the way... some how my uncle found out I was "working" for this company, although I've made it clear that I haven't actually gotten the job yet. I only told my dad I was interviewing with them, but it wasn't official. It's just proof that they sit around and talk about me and what I'm doing, this is why I didn't want to tell anyone I was going for this job because there is no guarantee at the moment that I will be working at this job in a week or even two weeks to 3 months, only time will tell, so I'm not getting my expectations too high about it.


I feel as soon as I get some money saved up from working I will be able to start making some decisions about what I want to do next, right now I have the following things on my list of possibilities: gradate school, moving to another city, state or country, learning a trade, starting a family, and building better relationships with others.... so those are my goals for right now.


Well I'm going to sleep.





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