Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2015-08-23 07:33:53 (UTC)

And For All the Right Reasons

I really pissed myself off today. Last night I mentioned how I wanted to give myself more time to get to work. How I'm tired of always running late and stressing about getting there on time. Well, nothing much really changed today. Snookums and I stayed up super late, I slept in super late, and even though I didn't have to be to work until 2pm, I STILL ended up rushing, and was 6 minutes late. Un-fucking-acceptable. I'm very much a self-manager, and I'm getting fed up with my procrastinating ways. That's exactly what it is, too. I procrastinate getting ready. I wait until the very last possible moment until it's a guarantee I'm going to be late. Then all it takes is one little distraction or delay, and then I'm scrambling. I can't seem to put my finger on why I dread going to work so much. It's never as bad as I seem to think it is an hour before I need to be there. Who knows, maybe I'd feel even better about work if I wasn't stressed out and scrambling right up to the moment I get there. I have to work at 11am tomorrow morning. We'll see if I can foster some kind of meaningful change in my behavior.

To update you on my veganism, I'm still going strong. I have moments where I get overwhelmed at the idea of living this way the rest of my life. Like, a fear of sabotage. Something is going to happen to derail me. When I'm totally honest with myself, I feel 100% at peace with life as a vegan. The guilt I used to feel is gone. I'm so content, it's almost disturbing (I know that seems like an oxymoron. I can't explain it). It's in my nature to feel skeptical about happiness. I fully expect something to come along and fuck it all up. I don't know what that is, but it's lurking in the shadows waiting for me to let my guard down. What makes me feel overwhelmed is that I fear losing passion. Losing my ability to handle being an outsider. I already don't fit into the world around me particularly well, and being a vegan makes me stand out so much more. But it feels right. I feel right. For the first time in a very long time. And compared to the first time I went vegan, I feel like I'm doing it right and for all the right reasons. Last time I just did it because I wanted to be skinny, and if you omit pretty much everything being skinny is inevitable. Only problem with that idea was that there wasn't the wide array of vegan options there is today, and I found myself living on a few unhealthy vegan junk foods. I was too lazy and/or too unmotivated to cook, and I didn't want to eat fresh vegetables (not really). I'm more health-minded now, and while I did have the harbored guilt (around eating animals) back then, I still cared more about what I wanted than what I felt was right. I was also gullible enough to think that me being anemic was because I needed meat, when really all it meant was I needed to eat something other than Boca burgers with soy cheese every damn night.

I'm still a terrible animal rights activist. The second someone questions my veganism, or tries to oppose my choice I shut down. Would I like to see more people go vegan? Hell yeah! It is undeniably better for our planet (animal agriculture is terrible for the environment), it's better for human health, and its the most compassionate choice for animals (who have feelings not unlike our own). I want more people to finally have that eye opening "Eureka!" moment. If you wouldn't eat a cat or dog, why eat a pig or cow? They are just as smart, share the same feelings, and desire to live. There is no difference. But when it comes to spreading that message to people who are defensive, combative, stubborn, and unwilling to consider those truths, I don't have the fortitude to fight about it. If they don't understand, or want to understand, I can't make them. All I'm willing to do is share how much it's changed my life (health wise, and emotionally) and defend my right to do as I see fit. I will get heated if someone tries to convince me I'm wrong. Compassion is never wrong.

My back has been doing fairly okay the past couple weeks. I'm not bringing it up as much because 1) I've learned to live with the intermittent pain, and 2) I think in general the truly painful episodes are fewer and farther between. Yesterday and today it's been flaring up more so than usual, but some of the other symptoms (like the weakness in my right leg) are in general doing better. Right now I feel like I'm wearing a girdle of pain around my lower back. It's bothersome, but I'm going to try to get myself comfortable and see if sleep helps alleviate some of the pain. Tomorrow is a new day, with new possibilities. I'm going to choose to be optimistic about it, and continue to see the brighter side of everything!




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