rainy

My heart in a knot
2015-08-03 22:57:35 (UTC)

Distraught

It's 11pm almost 12am but I'm still up thinking about things. As I have been looking at other people's lives and how resilient they are at getting what they want from their life it makes me wonder if my complaints, worries, and fears are justified or if I exaggerate things to an extreme end.

For example I worry excessively about becoming homeless someday, I think I worry about it so much that I may be attracting that energy through my negative thinking. It can be so difficult for me to remain positive when I feel everything around me is so negative.


The fact that I haven't been able to find a job yet seems to say something about me... I am having a hard time figuring out what that is though. I'm trying to remain confident but it's not easy. I think I'll just have to trust that things will work out.


I'm sorry I'm writing in such short sentences and may not be very coherent, the minute I started to write this entry I started to get tired although before I was well awake and had a lot on my mind. I live too much in my own head with very few things to distract me from my thoughts.


I did go out today.. only to get groceries and it wasn't an eventful occasion.


Lately the more I think about my adoptive parents the more indifferent I feel about them. The thing I hate the most is that some people have described how I feel as "ungrateful" and I think even my parents feel that way... they have said before that "if it wasn't for them we'd still be just nobodies kids", they seem to want to feel like heroes who rescued us from a terrible life and future. But I look at my life now and I don't think I'm any better off now than I would of been had I never received parents. I shouldn't have to feel grateful because they simply kept me alive during my childhood, I'm still alive now and I'm miserable. My adoptive parents were just that, people who adopted. Love and care was never a part of it. They did their christain duty so they can get into heaven and that's about the entire extent of it.


I'm just a victim of society. My birth mother was a victim and she passed that onto me. I am not using the word victim to evoke sympathy, but to explain what I'm trying to say in greater detail. The reality is that many babies are abandoned and unwanted everyday. Centuries ago a practice known as "infanticide" was a common occurrence because new mouths were too much to feed, there simply was not enough resources to go around, or the child was born under unfavorable circumstances. I feel like I meet all of that criteria. But I wasn't aborted, I could of been, and sometimes I wish I had of been because life is difficult and confusing for me. But I've learned to embrace my life and I now appreciate and love my life, I'm also terrified of death.


I'm just rating right now... don't take me seriously.. I'm just lonely and it's difficult for me to admit that because I'm a part of the reason that I'm lonely, but I suppose in time that will change.


My sister is still here.. I don't think she is actually leaving, but I'm still frustrated with her because she has left the kitchen dirty again, plus the other day she overfilled the trashcan outside and it won't shut completely, which means if it rains the trashcan will be too heavy to roll to the street. I am also guaranteeing that she won't roll the trash down to the street so it can be picked up, in the two and a half years that we have lived here she has never rolled the trashcan down to the street, the trash will sit there for months and she will just continue piling trash on top of trash. I know because I've seen her do it. On one occasion after I rolled the trash to the street and it was empty I watched to see if she would at least roll the trashcan back up to the house, but she didn't, she just ignored it.


What makes me mad is that people think I shouldn't get upset over things like that, but when I say I do over 90 percent of the work in this house it's not an exaggeration it's really how things are. I'll never forget when we first moved in she tossed all of her extra belongings in the spare room on the floor, all in a mess, the entire room was filled with clothes, junk, trash, and her stuff all over the floor. I waited a few weeks which turned into months to see if she was ever going to straighten it up and she never did. So I did. It's been that way ever since, I am stuck cleaning up after her and I'm sick of it. By the way it's not like she is super busy, she has one job and no kids. Her free time is spent playing video games and talking on the phone.

Ok.. I'm done talking about that. I need to do something about this soon and I feel eventually I will get the change that I am expecting.


I've at least started on my second set of GRE words, at first I felt worried about the new set of words because many of the words were very closely related to the same definitions of the last set of words, it seems like they have the intention of trying to fool you into getting words confused with each other, which is what happened when I started the second set of words.. but now I just accept the fact that there are probably 10 different ways to say "to prise highly", I had just learned the words Laud and approbation and although they have different definitions, the context in which they are used can be difficult to distinguish, especially since the next set of words has another term that speaks of praise and approval. Then they also have words that describe words that I just learned in even greater detail. It's basically words on top of words.


But I'm going to remain calm, I have to remember that this is just a test and as long as I continue practicing then I should be ok.

I haven't received any word yet about my degree. I also see why people were putting in a rush to transition straight from the B.A to the M.A program... I felt I needed time to figure out what I wanted to do, but the truth is there is not time to figure it out, you just have to do it and go with it. Now I'm stuck with all of this free time and having to wait until everything is finalized.


I feel like this was a terrible entry... I just want to do things the right way.. I just need to get my confidence together and stop showing my vulnerabilities and weaknesses, I wanted to write about that.. I'll have to get around to it.




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