rainy

My heart in a knot
2015-08-01 12:28:59 (UTC)

Doomed

I really think my relationship with my sister is doomed. I have an idea of all of the events that drove us to this point but what seems to be the biggest two factors is lack of communication and lack of sharing emotions.


I consider my entire family dynamic to be "dysfunctional" mostly because my parents have never been very expressive people and are not the type of people to show comfort or concern for emotional matters. Even when my car was broken into a few years back neither of my parents offered any emotional support despite how distressed I felt, by the way they responded you would of though nothing had even happened. That one little example sums up my parents how I've known them since I was first adopted.

The problem is that this lack of communication causes strife and nobody ever says how they feel. The reason why this is a problem for me is that I'm a highly emotional and sensitive person, I've always been since I was a small child and the situations surrounding my adoption and early childhood experiences only amplified my emotional and sensitive state. Sometimes when I watch family vloggers on youtube I imagine how much different I may have turned out had I been born to two loving parents who did many of the activities that I see the families in the vlogs doing. I had to even stop watching "its judys life" because I became so sad at how perfect their life is and how well they raise their daughters, I really just wish all children can be raised like that.


Don't get me wrong I'm not complaining, I'm just being objective about the situation, I know many children are born into worst situations than I was with horrific abuse and neglect, but I honestly don't think that deflecting your own problems onto someone who is "worst off" really helps the situation... people always say "it could be worst" and that's true, some people are born in worst situations or experience great tragedy that doesn't hold a candle to your own problems, but everyone's struggle is unique to them, so as much as I sympathize with the poor kid who's goes to bed hungry every night I also sympathize with the rich kid who may have their own set of problems. We are all just trying to survive and make it no matter our circumstances.


I just saw my sister and neighbor talking, I guess this situation has gotten more out of control than what I'm aware of. I say that because my sister talks often with her friends and other family members about "me" or her side of the story, and she paints a very negative image of me. With that said I'll share this quote that I read a few days ago, "There are always 3 sides to a story: your side, their side, and the truth".


I know what I'm going through right now is just a small step into something bigger. I should be the one moving out and starting the life I crave so badly but it feels hopeless to do so. On the one hand I see so many people who seem to be living good and they have the life I want, but on the other hand I see people who are really struggling and are having a hard time surviving or don't survive. But I guess that's life we all have good and bad times, you can't look at it in one subjective way.


On another note, the other day I was looking up programs that I could take to help with with the GRE and I found one program that was being taught by a young woman who has nearly the same education as me, of course I was thinking "if she can get this opportunity, why can't I?" I looked her up on facebook and one of the most immediate differences is that she seems to have a very strong network of friends and family who can support her, she also praised a "mentor", then I realized that it was completely natural for me to look up to Kia the way I did when I first met her. She has all of the qualities that I wish to see in myself so naturally I would be drawn to her to look at her life to see all that she is doing right so I can follow in her footsteps. Right now Kia is going into a Phd program, she's where I should be in my life right now, but I'm not.


So.. back to my sister, when I left my room earlier she wouldn't even speak to me, she closed her door as soon as I walked out. I didn't say anything. I feel like there is nothing I can do or say to fix this. I don't know the approach to take.. right now all I can do is hope I can find a job soon, maybe move to another state or country and have a stable life.


There is a lot that I need to start working on, but it's difficult because I got a headache yesterday then got inadequate sleep last night and my head still hurts right now. I've been pumping as many nutrients into me as possible to try and stay well balanced, it's officially been a month without eating any meat and I've lost a lot of the bloating that was in my stomach and I'm a lot calmer, I'm glad I've taken this steps because my body can completely shut down under high amounts of stress and the last thing I need is to be back in the ER, especially since I still haven't reinstated my health insurance yet mostly because they are making me take a lot of extra steps to get it because I missed the deadline... I think I will have to pay a fee as well for not having any health insurance all year, I think according to the affordable care act you have to have insurance at least half of the year or they will make you pay a $100 fine, I think I lost my coverage back in December 2014.

As far as my job search goes I did get an email talking about an interview, it was from the same company but a different store that I had my first interview at. It seemed to be completely unrelated to my first interview and that kind of frustrates me because I feel like they are just giving interviews just to give them (maybe they are expected to meet a certain percentage of interviews per applications) for a quota or something. I also don't understand why I was emailed and not called like the first time. It's emotionally taxing.

I'm starting to wonder if quitting my job was the right decision even though I know I was having a hard time putting in my best there because I was ready for change. I'm just starting to have a lot of regrets about a lot of things, not just my career choices. But I can't go back into the past I can only move forward into the future.

I did get an A in my last class, so that's the only good news in all of this, now I'll just have to wait a few weeks for them to update my diploma status (right now it just says pending) I'll be devastated if something goes wrong, I'm also thinking about going ahead and continuing my graduate application at this school but still applying to other schools and taking the GRE. The problem with that is that they greatly lack funding, even the other day when I wrote the director for the test preparation program he responded that the program hadn't been funded this year, I really wish this school could find more ways to bring in more income so they can have more programs, one of the most frustrating things being there for the last 2 years was that they didn't have a lot of resources or opportunities, I'm not the only student who has noticed it either, I've heard other students talking about it as well, but I think it's mostly that department, it must be getting hit hard.


I feel guilty because I didn't study for the GRE yesterday, plus I'm still on my first set of words and have only completely memorized about 86% of them, for some reason some words just won't stick! it's a very frustrating feeling, but at least I know a majority of them, I need to start moving onto the next set of words because I ideally would like to take the GRE this year; October, November, or December, but I think the deadline that I can take it is June 2016, either way I need to continue studying.

Well, I need to go get some things done.. I hope to come back soon and write an update.




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