Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2015-07-31 09:21:22 (UTC)

Just Good Genes

Here it is almost 2:30 am and not only am I still awake, I'm just now getting around to writing! I'm not sure what's caused the shift in my sleeping schedule (again), but my nocturnal nature always seems to prevail. I need to get it back under control before it comes back to bite me. Usually in the form of having to get up early for work, but not being able to fall asleep. I had a really solid bedtime routine going, but I've been straying from it for a few weeks now. Just like me, to mess with something that was clearly working well. Go me.

The mystery behind last nights technology failure were just as I suspected. My brilliant husband didn't pay the bill. Simply for no other reason than he "forgot". Last night when it wasn't working I asked him when the last time he paid the bill was, and his answer was "recently". At that moment I knew what the problem was. I don't know what to do with him. I gave the responsibility to pay the bills, because in the 13 years we've been together I've done all of that. Managed the finances, did the budgeting, physically mailed every thing. Now every one of our bills is online. Super easy, just a few clicks. I figured it was safe to give him the responsibility of making sure they get paid on time. Nope. Somehow every month he messes it up. But now that I'm sick of always fixing his screw ups, he doesn't want to relinquish control. I don't know how to either make him better at remembering to pay stuff, or if I really do just need to put my foot down and take back over the money stuff. How can someone almost 40 years old STILL not be able to manage a simple budget? I'm so confused...

The only thing I really accomplished today was watching a few episodes of Naked and Afraid, and then going to the Bremerton Farmers Market. Even though my mother in law will be here on Saturday to pick the kids up, and the house is a mess, I still couldn't bring myself to spend my day off cleaning for her. It's not like the place is condemned or anything. It just isn't perfect, and I have a really tough time allowing people into my space when it isn't perfect. Even though I don't care at all when I go to other people's houses, what they may look like. Why do I hold myself to standards so unacceptably high? Standards I'd never dream of subjecting another person to. I'm my own worst enemy, I tell you. Snookums promised he'd get the house pulled together, and I can trust him to do that. He's actually really good at housework. Not so much the bills. It's like a 1950's marital role reversal. Weird.

While the kids and I were at the Farmers Market hanging out, a man I've never met before walked up to us and flat out asked me what my heritage is, and told me repeatedly that I'm beautiful. Then, asked me "what did I marry", as in what race is my husband. When I tell friends that this kind of thing happens to me on a regular basis, they never believe me. It's gotten to the point where I'm not even surprised by it anymore. I saw the man coming from about 100 ft away. I knew he was headed for me, and I figured the conversation would probably be about my ethnicity and perhaps my looks. I have a very hard time accepting that people find me attractive. While I acknowledge that I'm not an unattractive person, I really don't feel like I'm attractive enough to elicit attention over it. I'm average. Perhaps the more visually appealing side of average, but not exceptional by any means. I look at beautiful women every day and wonder if they hear about how beautiful they are as much as I do. But if I asked a question like that, then I'd be the weirdo asking personal questions to a stranger! I don't hate the way I look, and I'm appreciating the fact that I look so much younger than I actually am. But there's nothing exceptional going on here. Just good genes.

A quick mental health check in (with myself) finds me to be in good spirits. For the most part, I'm feeling really great about life. Optimistic, resilient, content. Like I've made a ton of ground when it comes to my state of mind. I still look back on the past year or so like it was all a bad dream. A really awful nightmare I'm unfortunate enough to remember. Whenever I find myself revisiting the dark days too much or too long, I always remind myself that it's all in the past, and I don't live there anymore. I'm okay now, and I'll continue to be okay, because I have the tools needed to pick myself up and dust myself off. As many times as it takes.




Ad: