Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2015-07-25 09:13:50 (UTC)

That Dark Place

I am surprised and delighted by how NOT sore I was today! When I woke up this morning, I moved my body every so slightly, and every inch of my body felt like it was in some state of distress. Muscles were sore, my back and hips were hurting, it wasn't a positive experience. Thankfully, once I got up and moving things seemed to loosen up, and I felt much better. A couple hours into my shift most of the pain was gone. My back is a constant, but muscle soreness is one of those things that can really cause moral to nosedive. I like it in that it means my muscles are going to be stronger for it, but when every little move you make burns, it can make stuff you already don't want to do (like work) even more miserable. But enough of me going on about sore muscles.

I went into work today with the knowledge and expectation that I would do well, or not give a fuck if I didn't. I did well. I've definitely come to the conclusion that when I don't give two shits about making sales plan, I usually do. When I obsess about it nothing much changes. I either make it and feel uber relieved. Or I don't, and I feel like a failure at life. That feeling is right up there with muscle soreness. It makes life miserable. If I go into it with a confident attitude and positive mindset, it usually works out best. It's like I have to keep teaching myself this lesson. I already know this, and yet I often still find myself freaking out because it's slow, or someone else is selling more than me. I gotta let it go.

At lunch today, I went to the Barnes and Noble café and was surprised and delighted to see that they had a vegan soup option! It's a soup they've had before, but I assumed it has chicken broth or something in it. They changed their marketing to reflect gluten free, vegan, and vegetarian options. NICE! Now if only they could serve a gluten free/vegan baked item. Even just one. I'd love a cookie or pastry now and again. Anyhow, I had the harvest grain portabella mushroom soup. Definitely going to get it again. It was nice having something warm when I was expecting sweet potato chips and mixed nuts (I was too lazy to get up earlier to grab something substantial for lunch).

I had several moments where I kept marveling at how awesome I've been feeling these days. I attribute it to several things: eating well, therapy, journaling, fostering a positive mindset despite setbacks, and reducing stress with exercise (primarily hiking this time of year). No one thing is responsible for my success. It's really a cumulative effort. I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for a dedicated focus on all the facets of my recovery. Depression is such a dark place. I always say I never want to go back, but the reality is I don't have much say in the matter. All I can do is continue fighting that dark place.




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