Screened In Porch

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2015-07-17 16:39:59 (UTC)

Friday's decisions

My appointment went well this morning. No need for monitor at all.
She just explained the blood pressure and pulse monitoring to me
and said she feels that since everything else seems good, that this
is most likely coming from stress. Not a physical thing.

She wants me to completely stop smoking, lose a few pounds although
she did say I was not over weight, she wants me to exercise and
try to remove stress in my life...although I told her I was not
under any..she saw right through it.

She is correct about that stress thing. It stresses me out waking
up here in this god for saken madness. I am sick of the clutter,
the mess...and I see it getting worse each day and moving more
toward a HOARDER situation than ever getting any better.

No one here is willing to do anything I ask to help me. I can
not do any of this crap alone. It is just too much.

These two lazy fuckers would not even help me prepare the house
to be sprayed for the ants. I needed them to be able to spray
along the walls. OMG His room is so cluttered with crap, I
can not get to the other side of his bed or to his closet. There
is just a walk way to his bed. He still has 4 of those pee
containers he used when recovering from surgery and they are all
full of pee. Who thinks that is ok? Who lives like this
but someone who simply does not care much about themselves
their environment or their home....or spouse. He does.

I can not clean the tub. I am disabled in such away that keeps
me from doing that and the both know it. I am embarrassed for
anyone to come here. A guest would use their bathroom...
it has been the same way for 15 years. Wall paper peeling
off the wall...just nasty looking.

I have never lived this way in my life. I am not a nasty person.

I know now that I need to revisit my plan to get the fuck
out of here. He can have this dump. I will just wait...
and maybe talk to a lawyer. And get the fuck out.

We have enough enough funds in savings that I could use to
do this. It is not impossible. It is only fair.

I think I have waited way too long.

And bringing up the possibility of leaving may cause him
to take the money out of bank and move it. I will just play
this out smarter than that. I will not leave empty handed.

I have told my son he needs to save his money and get a place
of his own. He best do that too cause he is not moving
with me. He has proven that he expects me to wait on him...
wash his clothes and clean for him. He needs to find a wife
to do that...I am his mother.....and when I ask him to do
something, he should get up off his ass and do it.

I am sick of feeling this sad all the time....

and feeling like they simply do not care enough about me
to see that I am not happy with this situation.

Something has to give.

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