Therapist

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2015-07-15 06:35:54 (UTC)

college

after i said farewell to antonio. a new chapter in my life begins.
College. Its time to get down and dirty to recieve scholarships and vist schools. (i fucked my right eyebrow, it burns i think its swelling too.)

I cant see myself in college, i cant see myself being smart or doing cool things honestly i don't see myself being susseful right now. i don't know what i want. i fucked up so many times, im pretty sure i suffer from anxiety, and it got me thinking, does that have a cure???
I read my sisters diaries... im not the only one that suffers from loniless and looseness. Do they also suffer from anxiety? is it genetic? I have health issues and i think i get it from m mother. who is also a diabetic and suffer from aniety as well. This got me thinking if i could make it out alive y last year in high school. dang i still remeber what i was wearing freshmen year. white coperice and blue and white striped sailor shirt. i remeber naya when she was a sophmore telling me i look like a salior. ok. well im very lost. im going to start working hard for what iwant. what ever the hell it is. i just want to be happy. i feel like im happy now. not doing nothing, but then i realize i need to get my shit togather before my sister bece comes and beats me up, actually shes the motivation the one person who i know belives in me, besides my mom and naya, i don't want to let down my sisters, i took things for granted, i should be thinking like bece, great inds think alike, i need to follow her, i don't want to fall, i know she'll have my back, i know i can be a bitch, but hey life was a bitch first!

anyways, more and more i feeel like im a complete differnt person. i have no clue what the hell is going on. i need to try hard. actually get scholarships, like im the only one out of all my sisters who got a leathermen in acadeics, ana droped out her sophmore year, bece had to be working paying bills to mom and dad, mostly when dad didn't have money. Dad, what happen, ik. he's getting old probably, i don't know what happen with the oney does h spend it, like mom says? we gonna pay a lot of bills, and worse yet i quite colorguard becuase of oney, and i used dad as an excusses which is a fail! omg dad!

i know i can depend on my sisters. i know. they want the best for me. they given me so much im grateful for them. im glad i have them for support. thank you lord. i need to start looking up at colleges and best advice yet! i should not depend on FAsfa! i need to work my ass off for these scholarships, which can be hard! i need to be motivatred, i want to get out and make a stadard living paying back the debt, im going to be in debt no matter what. My parents came her 25 years ago to build a nice living enviorment, my parents, my mom who worked her ass off to try to get my sisters the best, even they don't see or remeber, my mom made a lot of sacrifice, besides pushing them out her vj. really. shes so tiny, and can be a awesome actor!! what the hell. haha maybe thats what motivated me to sighn up for theater, wanting to write plays and stuff. things that think i like to do. i need to work hard. i need to start thinking college im thinking of university of houston down town, it used to be ut at austin, but honestly, antonio goes there and yeah no. i don't want distractions especially if he thinks he going to my dream school because its at austin.

no matter where i go, the import thing is what the hell am i going to do there? college is a fun feeling to think about. serisouly, i need to focus whats best, start finding things out, try to do fun stuff like after im done with an essay and writing a scholarship or sending my newspaper story i should be thinking of having a little freedom, this summer has taught me so much, kind of. the things my family says and do to each other and better yet, what we do to stay on the ground. i should be involved in my new nepohews life, he will be a gift, hes nayas kid for god sake! hes going to be a blessing.

that was random, im like that. i over think stuff even though the answers are all in front of me. I need to believe in myself, if i don't ill just be a bumm. and not do shit with my life, i want to see the world! i want to travel, i want to see things.
1) i want to go to california
2) i want to get scholarships
3) i want to be smart
4) i want to make my parents proud
5)i want my sisters to be proud of me
6) i want to graaduate high school and college! i want to graduate something that will help other people
7) most importatly i want to graduate with morals and knowing my true passion.
8) i want to be happy. even if i don't have anything, not even money, i compare my self to jannette walls, the author of the glass castle, i bet the whole naighborhood would compare their problems, she was in a newspaper class, she had two parents who only wanted to make a living, a father who drank him self to sleep a mother who wanted to find herself, and siblings who wanted to get out from the placese they called "home".

i belive college is a way to escape from the problems at home but better yet, give a higher education.to learn not only the basic mathamatics material but to prove im capable to do anything. i remeber my counsoler told me i needed colleges that are affordable and how UT at AUSTIN was way out of my league.. thanks for saying im not good enough?? that always will get me. she knows it won't be. i want to move out, i don't want to stay here like my older sister anas friend JAckie who was a drop out and has 3 kids with probaly two differnt guys, i want to leave this place that not only brings violence in my family but hate. i want to be someone. i will be someone, i need to get things stright, i just need bece to talk to me, knowing i can depend on her, but not so much i don't need to be baby sat i needed to grow and find my true identiy as a human being. im not good at writing or finishing a sentce i suck at it, ironiclly thats the thing i like to do! i put emotuion to it! not just stirght news stories! i need emotion and titles! and motivation to get out of here! screw moneyu it already taken colorguard away from me!

please!

send me your prayers! i need to pray for my sister who only has 8 months to graduate from a university thats awesome !!!

Geek freak




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