Screened In Porch

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2015-07-11 20:37:26 (UTC)

Crumbling down


I was on my way today to the BFFs house. I wanted to see how things
looked after all her remodeling was done. I have been very excited
to see all that was done. But unfortunately, my morning was early
and for some reason I was so tired and my heart was beating in
ridiculous pounding again. I was afraid. So, I turned the car
around and came home...took off my clothes, and I am in bed again.

I seem to spend a lot of time in bed.

Just walking to the mailbox is exhausting.

I know something is wrong. It is my heart.

If I live through this weekend, I do intend to go next
week to the doctor. I was told to do this asap when I
left the ER that night. But I have been putting it off.

My attempt to stop smoking only lasted a few short days.
I am back at it. I must have lost my mind somewhere during
one of my recent heart breaks.

I am sure my daughter only called the other week cause she
wanted to borrow my small camera for her daughter to take
to camp. I bought the dinner and we had a nice visit, but
it was short lived as I am still rarely hear from her.

I can not worry about that right now. I do not want to mention
it. If I do drop dead, I do not want anyone upset with her.
She will be upset enough at herself.

And one thing I know for sure is this. Our kids learn how
to treat us by the way we treat our parents. She has three
daughters. I hope she at least has one of them to give her
a call once and a while when she gets old. Her chances are
better than mine.

My son will be devastated. I know he loves me to pieces.
Not to sure about any of the rest of them. But I love myself.

I will try harder next week if I get another week to try harder
in. But for today, I am just resting.

My husband cut some of the grass yesterday. It has been so hot
and hard to really do anything. I hate it.

He mentioned going to the coast for a week. But I am not
sure I will ever see the coast again. Right now, I almost
feel like I should be planning a funeral or something.

But like I said....I will get this doctor thing over with and
see how good they are about putting together a broken heart.

Mine is broken.

I believe it has been a little broken all my life.

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