Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2015-07-08 07:36:00 (UTC)

I Will Practice Peace

God, it was so nice getting read for work this morning and not having to wade through the sea of shit in my closet! It was also nice not having a pile of shoes in the bathroom because there was no place to put them in the closet (I got an over the door shoe rack that holds 24 pairs). It definitely improved my mood.

Work has been such a non-issue lately. It's refreshing and very liberating. I go to work, do what I do best, and leave. I haven't done anything differently, but finally everything is working out. I don't need to dwell on it anymore. I'm just letting go and allowing what will be, to be. I haven't felt this calm in ages. So, there's nothing really to share there. All is well in pantyland!

For the first time in a very long time, I'm feeling very comfortable in my own skin. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. I've achieved a level of peace I didn't really think was possible. I know that's vague, but there is no definitive reason for the way I'm feeling. It's just another thing about my life I'm allowing to let be. I find that when I release expectations, anxieties, desires, I'm more at ease. I want to perpetuate these feelings for as long as I can. I understand that the nature of life is to present us with the unexpected. I'm prepared for my current state of zen to be disrupted. Part of the lesson is figuring out how to handle those disruptions in the most peaceful way possible. It's something I'll continuously work on, because I'm so bad about getting worked up over things. Everyday I will practice peace. It's a minimum expectation I've set for myself.

I'm really itching for some new ink. Definitely more so the past couple weeks than usually (but I kind of always want more ink). I don't particularly care what people think about tattoos. I love them. And I love the idea of adorning my body with things that are beautiful, colorful and symbolic to me. I've always struggled with my self-image and the way I feel about my body. I've never felt more at peace with my skin than when I started getting more tattoos. They take the focus off of my flaws and instead replace them with gorgeous art. My next couple of wish list pieces are a semicolon (this represents the struggles of living with mental illness. A semicolon in writing represents an idea/story/thought the author easily could have ended, but chose to continue on. Just as I have decided to continue my personal story instead of ending it. I could have killed myself a dozen times by now, but I have decided to go on). It's tiny, but profound. My next desired piece is a cat mandala. Everyone and their damn mama is getting mandala tattoos these days. I've wanted one for many years, but haven't been able to nail down exactly how I want it to look. Now, it's becoming as cliché as tribal arm bands. I got the idea of combining two things I love: Buddhism and my cats. I think I want it to be an elegant outline of a sitting kitty filled in with an intricate mandala pattern. Sure, it's probably been done in some capacity, but it will still be unique and individual to me. I want to get it in honor of Zeus. It kills me that I don't know what happened to him, but I'm also grateful to the universe that I didn't have to witness his death. Or worse, make the decision to end his suffering. I wouldn't have been able to do that. I want to memorialize him forever and have a constant reminder of the 12 years we had together. He was a beautiful soul, and I think he's at peace.

I have the next two days off. I'm already thinking about maybe playing hooky from therapy on Thursday so the kids and I can go on a long hike, but I haven't decided yet. Snookums and I are both off tomorrow and he already has stuff planned. Plus, he isn't a huge fan of hiking. My kids will go, though. If not Annie, at least the littles. But we'll see when the time comes. Right now, I shall sleep...




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