Screened In Porch

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2015-07-05 19:34:09 (UTC)

25 Years

I was so much happier as a single parent. Those were the days.
I got up early to start the coffee. He had torn a page off one of
those yellow legal pads and wrote me a note saying happy anniversary.
Not even a damn card for 25 years? Seriously?

Man I hate him sometimes.

All that did was cause me to come lay in bed thinking about my
life before him when I was a single woman. I think my kids and
I were closer then too. I was a rock star mom. We had a ball.

Being in this mess has drug me down so far, I have nothing to
look forward too anymore.

Hell, I do not even enjoy my friends all that much anymore.
The ones I still have that is.

The good thing is the this is my second day of not smoking.
It is hard, but I am trying hard to free myself of this horrible
habit.

My friend called again today. She text me to say happy anniversary.
Not sure why she felt a need to call too. She called yesterday
and went on for about three hours. Today it was for about 45 minutes.
I think she sensed I was not interested in hearing her go on and
on about people I have never met in my life. I am not sure why she
does that. I barely get a chance to speak. And have become a bit
apprehensive to speak since she seems to share a lot of personal
information when she talks. I guess I am afraid she would say
something about us to someone. I do not want people knowing that
I am as unhappy as I am in this life. I do not want people to
know anything about me. I do not want to hear her talk about
people. Especially people I do not know. I have started asking
her every now and again, "now who is that anyway" or I will say
"I have no idea who you are talking about"....then she gives me
a detailed introduction which again, I do not care to hear.

Kinda scary. One thing caught my attention. She was talking about
a girl who has a relationship with this guy and has for over 20
years. They both live with their mothers and help take care of them
so they do not live together. Now I have met this girl a couple
of times. But she never has went out with the girls when we
do a girls night. She mentioned that this girl won't go out
like that cause she does not want her boyfriend getting mad. He
is kind of like my husband and does not like going out much. But
then she felt the need to say that "oh she would not do anything
if she went out, she just does not want him upset". There was
time a while back I had ran into an old B/F when we were out,
but I paid no attention much to his attentions. Now to someone
who did not know what was going on, it could have appeared that
I was doing something inappropriate, but I was not. SO, when
she said that about this girl, that made me feel like she
thought that girl would not, unlike me who probably would.
But I would not either. Guess it my guilt kicking in for
speaking much to him in the first place.
Everyone is different. I do not need to hear about it though.

Anyway, I have got to the point that I just see no sense in
sitting and listening to someone ramble on for hours about things
that I should not be hearing.

She has told me so much about this one girl, hell I do not
even want to meet her. I told her too. I just said well, if
that bitch is coming, I am not, I do not want to meet her or
be around her because of the things you have told me about her.

So, her trash talking does not just apply to people who did
her wrong, but people she still hangs around with. So Why in
the hell would I tell her that my 25th anniversary pretty much
sucks out loud and I feel neglected.

I did not even have the chance to tell her that I Have stopped
smoking.....she does not stop talking long enough to change
the subject or to talk about something that applies to us
instead of random folks I do not know.

Weird.

Anyway, I am depressed, very unhappy today which is not the
way it should be since after 25 years of marriage, unless of
course you are mourning their death or going through a separation.

Not sure how to feel any other way today but sad......

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