Screened In Porch

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2015-07-04 15:23:27 (UTC)

Saturday Morning - not sure if he cares

I am not sure what has come over me. Maybe I am sick of feeling like
crap. Maybe I am worried that I am dying. I have been making
suttle changes as far as the bad habits go. Since the night in ER
I have practically stopped drinking. Even on this very important
holiday. I did not want to go out. Not interested in the crowd, the long walk to my car. Just not feeling it. Plus, remembering that
my brother in law, the one who hates me and has the pace maker, was
told during his heart episode that his beer drinking was destroying his heart. Knowing that I do have a heart issue has created pause for me in the drinking department. I may want to drink a beer once and a while,
but more than a couple simply does not seem as appealing as it once did.

Last night, I had another episode of the high blood pressure and
fast pulse. 160/114 pulse/148, then 142/123 pulse/131
Man that is a scary feeling when your body just takes off like
a fast car ride with no one at the wheel.

I knew last night that I would never smoke again. That silly shit
is over. I am done with it. May be done with more than that.
This morning it is 125/80 pulse/60 which seems low. I feel tired.

This happens after one of these workout my heart is getting when
the pulse is so fast.

We got the bill yesterday for the trip to ER. I was so sure I
did not want to see it. But it was not as bad as I thought it
would be. So, I told him about the heart thing that happened
last night...and told him that I will go to my doctor next week
to make sure they are aware of what is going on with me. It is
happening more often and who knows, I may have a blockage or
a valve issue. I Was told years ago of a valve leak, a small one.

I know I need to check into this. He just said yeah, you should
do that. He went into the bathroom for a dump I suppose. The br is
right across from my room. I had my door pulled shut but I could still see when he open the bathroom door to leave. When he did, I called
for him to come into my room. I had just taken my blood pressure and
wanted to show him the different numbers from when I took it earlier.
I just wanted him to know in case something happens and he needs to
be the one to tell a doctor. Well, I could see his feet he stopped
and I know there is no way he did not hear me, but he did not come into the room. I could have been having a heart attack. I could have
needed his help. But he walked back into his part of the house
and began watching some movie or some silly science fiction bullshit.

I sat in here thinking bout him ignoring me. I had to wonder after
experiencing this that maybe he does not love me like he use too.

I certainly felt alone last night. But I let that go too. He and I
have not been a real couple in years. We are mostly simply room mates
here and that is the way I feel about it. Sure, he does stuff for me and I for him. But sometimes I feel like we are just waiting our time out in hopes the other will die first.

Maybe I suspected this. I can not blame him if that is the case.
Now, would he let me die if I needed help and he did not get it?
I do not want to believe that. But last night is the first time
I have ever noticed him ignoring my needs. My son was not here
this weekend, so he was not to return later in the night to make
sure I am ok. He checks on me every time he walks through the door
coming and going.

Last night was ok. Just one time.

Then afterwards, I thought bout how he never wants to come in here to lay with me, to cuddle, or anything like that. The only damn thing he does is the one thing that I find annoying. He walks up behind me
and barely touches my neck.....and causes me to jump and draw up until
he stops.

He knows now that I have a heart condition.

Why in the hell would he continue doing that?

Why does he not do much to show me any affection?

Am I that disgusting?

I have been losing weight.

I will be in a size 12 soon. Even I was not expecting that.

But I have given up sodas,
sweets, beer, snacks, etc.

I have been making changes for my health......

and honestly I am not that impressed with him much anymore...
so I understand him withdrawing from me a little bit. I
just wish things were different.

I think I would be happier alone........
than in this miserable place......

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