Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2015-07-03 07:01:17 (UTC)

Tragically Disenchanted

It's getting tougher to think of topics to discuss in therapy each week. I consider this to be great progress! But it never fails, once I sit down across from her in her office and she says the same phrase every one of our meetings has begun with, "what's up?", I inevitably spill the first thing that comes to the forefront of my mind. Usually the most pressing topic, even if it wasn't one of the ones my conscious mind generated.

Today's therapy topic was the argument I had with my dad last week. I didn't mention it here, because it hurt me in a way I couldn't understand and my mind just wanted to let it go. Turns out that was a good coping mechanism, and I didn't even know it until today. My dad sits on an undeserved pedestal in my mind. I think a large part of that is because he was absent for so long. There was (and is) so much about him that's unknown, so I just filled it in with idealized bullshit. As I learn more about him, the reality of his personality pushes out my happy bullshit and leaves me tragically disenchanted. He exists in a state of polar opposites. Opposites that don't reconcile one another. Zen Buddhist and Ultra-Conservative bigot. They are almost entirely mutually exclusive and yet somehow he tries to justify living in both realms. When I question him on his thinking, he lashes out at me. Even if I'm genuinely trying to understand where he's coming from. Why post controversial/inflammatory asshattery if you can't/won't own it and explain yourself?

Anyhow, what caused the argument is unimportant and irrelevant. All I can hear in my head is him calling me naïve and saying that I live in a bubble. I feel as though all of the horrendous shit I went through is absolutely meaningless to him. He thinks that I live this idyllic life, free of bad guys, when in reality I live with the demons from my past on a daily basis. I have PTSD from the abuse I suffered. I still have nightmares. Yet, I'm naïve and live in a bubble because I don't see things from his perspective. His delusional, egotistical perspective. Although I'm sure in his mind I should just "get over it" like it's that easy. We've already had a falling out about the lasting affects of depression and mental illness. He called it a fucking "club", but don't get me started on that, either.

I've been trying to think of ways to broach the topic with him (my hurt), but I fear all it will do is create yet another hostile situation with him. I explained what all happened to my therapist and read her some of the conversation that started it all. She said there is no reasoning with someone in his state of mind. So, I won't. I'm going to let it go, because I need to. He cannonballed right off the pedestal I erroneously placed him on. He is a mere mortal, after all. One that I'm not even sure I want to talk to. I love him, but he is just as potentially damaging as my mother. In a very different way. I've let him in. I learned early to keep her out.

So, that's all I'm going to talk about that. In order to be happy, I must let it go. And for the first time in a very long time, I'm so happy. In the deepest, most organic sense of the word. Like, the mitochondria in the depths of every cell of my being are hard-wired for utter joy. I hope that explains it well enough.

I did get to go up to Port Townsend today! Not alone this morning, but with Snookums and the two younger kids this evening. I got 30 sticks of my favorite incense (Heady Patchouli and Mother Earth - a sandalwood/cedar/patchouli blend I can only find there or online, which I hate shopping online). I also got 3 more healing stone bracelets; hematite, black lava stone, and brecciated jasper. I can't prove they help keep my chakras aligned, but they certainly don't hurt. And they're cute!

We had ice cream (I had sorbet) at a cute little diner, and we walked the beach at Fort Worden. All in all, it was a lovely evening. There's really nothing I enjoy more. Being in nature, and spending time with my family. They fulfill me in ways I can't imagine replacing with anything else. I feel like my entire life is starting to fall in line.

It's about time.




Ad: