Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2015-06-29 07:12:57 (UTC)

Deep-Seeded Nocturnalism

As usual, I've waited until I'm exhausted to start writing. Its my deep-seeded nocturnalism (is that even a word?) that fuels this. But unfortunately, life doesn't allow me to stay up all night and sleep all day like it used to. Thank goodness I don't have to get up early tomorrow.

I'm in such a great place right now. I can honestly say that all of the work I've been putting in is starting to pay off. I'm happier more than I'm sad. My moods are more stable. I feel lighter and less burdened. Peace is possible! I know that coping with my depression/anxiety/PTSD/abandonment issues/OCD/Eating disorders/etc./etc. will be a never-ending, life-long, constant, uphill battle. Like an alcoholic is never "cured", neither will I. Mental illness is a part of me, but I get to choose if it's my kryptonite or my... whatever gives Superman strength. I'm no comic book expert. You get my drift. I can't let it break me.

I spent some time talking with a friend tonight who is going through the storm. She's been depressed for a very long time (deep depression, not situational. It's the kind you just can't shake). She posted to Facebook that she wished the world would end already. Of course I had to reach out. She's having some similar life drama that I've experienced in the past. She's a new mother, and has lost herself in the process. I know how she's feeling, but I can't really get through to her how important it is that she get back into therapy and put herself first for a change. She feels it doesn't work, and kind of like she doesn't deserve it. I felt that way for the longest time, but I stuck it out and can FINALLY feel the growth and improvement, an I AM worth it! I think I've convinced her that it's worth the effort.

Something I noticed while talking with her (and other friends in need) is that, while helping other people feels good, it's extraordinarily draining emotionally and mentally. I want to help, but at times (when others confide in me), it feels like they're sucking the life force right out of me. Like I'm taking on their burden and need a break after talking with them. Which is unfortunate, because I want to be of help and service to the important people in my world. All people, really. I just feel so exhausted after I do. I was already tired after a long day of work, then that conversation left me even more depleted. I'm writing because this is what recharges me. Writing, sleep, time in nature, family. My fuel. I should have told her to start writing! I'll mention it to her tomorrow...

I had another really good day at work. I'm letting go and trusting that my best will be good enough. I'm tired of being the victim. Feeling like the universe is transpiring against me. There will be good days, and bad, but at the end of the day I'll make it through regardless. I just need to hold on to this knowledge.




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