Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2015-06-22 05:16:28 (UTC)

I Feel Suppressed

I'm feeling slightly fatigued today. I'm not sure why I'm more tired than usual, but I am. So, I'm writing a little earlier tonight, so hopefully I can get to bed a little earlier. Not that it matters. I'm off tomorrow and get to sleep in! Small pleasures, I guess. I'm excited about it.

I'm confused about how I'm feeling about work. I keep thinking about how much I want this new position, but I'm not really allowing myself to think about what I'll do if I don't get it. Will I be content doing what I've been doing? Will I be able to move past it? Will I feel thoroughly rejected and ready to walk away? I won't know until I get to that moment. I'm hoping for grace under pressure, and that I'm able to remain level headed. I have this distinct feeling that the higher ups just don't want me in management. Like, they keep suppressing me for some reason. I talked with my therapist about it, and she thinks it's because I don't fit in with the "cool kids". I'm a great leader, I know what I'm doing, but I don't use their lingo or play the same games the other managers do. I'm too straight-laced, and don't fit in well. So, they keep attempting to find someone who does (while still being able to do the job). Only, they can't find the right person. Maybe they can do the job, but they don't fit in with the clique, either. Or they fit in, but are total idiots when it comes to managing the business. Whatever the reason. I feel suppressed. Which makes me all the more eager to get in where I fit in.

Our district manager came to the store tonight to help with the floorset. I didn't know she was coming until I got there today, but it doesn't matter, because I always come to work looking my best. She was very friendly to me, told me I'm looking good (I've lost some weight. A natural side effect of going vegan). I'm not nervous around her anymore, or intimidated. So, hopefully my interview goes well on Tuesday. I don't think she knows yet that I'll be interviewing. She asked me a bunch of questions about my current position, which honestly I couldn't give two shits about, but I've thought of some very tactful ways to talk about my numbers and why I think I should be the staffing supervisor. Bring it on.

I don't really have much to talk about today... I worked all day. So, to the 5 people who read this, I apologize for always bitching about work. This is my safe place, after all. The one thing I allow myself to spout negativity about. I think I'm getting better about it, though. The bitching is constructive and often helps me come to some level of understanding. I can process things once I've aired my grievances.

Yet another day back on the reading bandwagon. I woke up this morning and reached right for The Book of Awakening. I read 5 days, because they were relatively short meditations. It's definitely a positive practice. I feel better after reading this book, and I face the day in a much more positive light. I apply what I've read almost on a subconscious level. I may not remember everything I read, but it's like my soul has absorbed the message and helps me apply it without me having to really think about it. The mind is amazing like that.

I need to get outside tomorrow... Nature beckons.




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