Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2015-06-18 06:19:04 (UTC)

Pain is My New Normal

I feel so calm right now. Actually, I've felt calm all day. Even at work. Which is quite the feat, since work is the biggest vexation in my life at the moment. The paradigm has shifted. I don't know why I'm not as angst-y as usual, but I'll take it. For once, I'm not feeling like the world is crashing down on me. I guess I'm going to have to do some brainstorming for therapy session subject matter tomorrow! I hate that 9 times out of 10, it's me bitching about work. I need to reconcile the place that VS has in my life. Is it worth the torture, or am I just holding on out of loyalty? This is the million dollar question I keep asking myself.

Speaking of a million dollars, Snookums and I were contemplating playing the lottery. You can't win if you don't play, right? I'm kidding. I hate the idea of wasting money too much to buy lottery tickets. My odds of getting hit by lightening while hiking are better.

After work, Snookums and I took the kids to Point No Point beach to enjoy the beautiful, sunny evening. The kids played in the sand, tossed rocks in the ocean, rearranged the driftwood on the beach, while Snookums and I sat on a log watching them. I feel most peaceful in those moments. It's like an extension of my meditation practice (which is still in it's infancy). When I'm with them, watching them enjoy themselves, it does my heart so much good. I feel like the only reason my life is worth fighting for is those moments, when I'm watching my children love life.

I'm making my time in nature more of a priority. I try to make sure I get some outside time each day. Which may explain why my mood has improved exponentially as of late. Getting outdoors in the Winter months is tough for me, because of the cold and wet. But the lack of fresh air definitely impacts my quality of life. I know it. I need to suck it up and accept that being in nature is vital to my well-being. It needs to happen year round. I came to this conclusion today. Everything I'm doing now is paving the way to me successfully beating this depression (and my host of other unwanted mental maladies).

Tomorrow is Snookums' second interview for Trader Joe's. I'm excited for him, but like I said before, not getting my hopes up too high. It would be a great opportunity for him, and definitely a help to our family. I read somewhere that they tend to only hire genuinely friendly people. If that's true, then I feel like Snookums is a shoe-in. He's just the biggest, most gentle guy you could meet. He likes to pretend he's tough, but he's so not!

A little update on my back: It's still messed up, but I've learned to work around the pain very well. Almost to the point where the pain is my new normal. It doesn't even faze me anymore. It's just as much a part of me as my curly hair, or the dimples in my cheeks. When Snookums sees me struggling up the front steps, or when he helps me out of the car (the passenger side is tough for me to get out of, because I have to lead with my weak side), he'll sometimes chastise me for not calling the doctor back, or will try to get me to sit down with some ice. I just don't feel like focusing on it anymore. I can't really do anything to change my current situation, even if I did call my doctor. The treatment options are limited, and I won't be going on any type of medicinal pain management. I'm fine without it. I'll just keep on keepin' on!




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