Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2015-06-13 08:09:36 (UTC)

A Host of Flaws

All day I daydreamed about my future/dream/imaginary little shop/café thing. I have no concrete plans. I definitely have zero capital to even get it going, but all day I went about my work, thinking about this imaginary place I want to have someday. I didn't dwell on the fact that I'm terribly dissatisfied and disgruntled. I didn't mind that I wasn't getting credit for my sales. I didn't even care that I kept having to deal with one asshole customer after another. Even if the thought of stepping outside of my comfort zone is terrifying, it's still nice to have a dream again. I haven't had a dream in a long time.

I had the most uncomfortable exchange with this guy today. He was a member at the Y back when I worked in the weight room in Bremerton. He'd come in usually Sunday mornings and sometimes weekday evenings and spend more time talking to me than actually working out. He's flirtatious and always bordered on inappropriate. Well, tonight I happened to be at the front of the store (which is rare, because normally I'm always in the fitting rooms). He saw me and came in. I don't even know him or feel comfortable with him, but he reached out to hug me... okay, I'm a polite person. I let him. Well, he totally grazed my breast as he placed his hand on my waist. Both of which were uncalled for, and not something I wanted. Only my husband touches me like that. He went on to say that he missed me, was glad he found me, and will be back in to see me again... um, can you not? I told Snookums about the exchange, and he said that I'm too nice and should have been more abrupt with him, instead of letting him touch me. I'm too nice when it comes to things like that. I'm more likely to stand up for someone else, than even for myself. It's like after all the abuse I've suffered, I don't even feel like I deserve basic personal space.

I really want to understand why men are so attracted to me. I'm not trying to be conceited or narcissistic. It's a reality. I deal with men hitting on me, saying inappropriate things, touching me, etc. on a very regular basis. I don't think I'm overtly attractive. When I look in the mirror, I see a reasonably good looking person, but I also see a host of flaws. I think other women are always better looking than me. I try to keep myself well-groomed, well-dressed, and present my best foot forward. Mostly because I want to feel good about myself. I don't know if that has something to do with it. Maybe it's an energy I give off? I actually brought it up with my therapist (mostly in regards to men being inappropriate, and me taking it). She told me that I'm gorgeous. I'm exotic and intriguing, and carry myself with a very poised/refined air, and that catches men's attention. It's sweet hearing such nice things when you don't really think very highly of yourself, but I have a tough time buying it. My apparent willingness to just take the abuse stems back to my past. Of course. Someday I'd like to look at myself in the mirror and not feel inferior. And anyone who says looks don't matter, are lying to themselves. They do. Should they matter less? Absolutely. But we aren't there yet as a society.




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