Interrupted
My Life Thus Far
Living As I Should
I'm tired of talking about work all the time. Yes, it is a focal point of my life. But it's also stagnant, and not something I can do a whole lot about. So, tonight instead of dwelling on work, I'm going to pick 3 topics I'd like to talk about and go from there:
Veganism.
Feelings.
Escape plan.
Veganism: is the most natural state of being I have ever experienced. I've been on diets in the past, and I've always felt a strong desire to "cheat" or rationalize why I should eat the stuff I've told myself I'm going to avoid. In the almost 3 months I've been vegan, I haven't found myself missing anything. Or wanting to "cheat". There is definitely a peace and sense of belonging when it comes to this lifestyle. I feel like I'm doing the right thing. I've also started to experience some positive side effects. I think the inflammation in my body is diminishing. I'm definitely in less pain than a few weeks ago. I also think my depression and anxiety have lessened. No, diet won't fix everything, but I'm better. No doubt about that. I feel like I'm living as I should. Sure 3 months isn't all that long, but the fact that I don't feel the desire to derail, is a sure sign that I'm on the right path.
Feelings: are tough to talk about when they are so closely tied to a subject I told myself I'm going to avoid for tonight. I was thinking about how the people around me interact with me, and how I'm treated because of my mental illness. There are some who admire me. My ability to function so "normally" even in the fact of significant mental illness. Then there are some who walk on egg shells around me. Like I'm volatile. I'm not. Well, not really. At least I try not to be. I just feel like I try so hard to be happy, that sometimes I miss out on a lot of the organic happiness that's all around me. I need to make an effort to try less. I know that sounds like an oxymoron, but it isn't. Letting go allows good to flow. One of the mantras I held very dear to me while having my babies is that pain increases the more you fight it. I would say that to myself over and over while in labor.
Pain increases the more you fight it.
I'm causing myself more suffering by fighting the pain, than if I'd just succumb to it. Let it wash over me. Let it consume me. Once I allow the pain to flow, then I'll be able to manage it a little more. Not in the sense of eradicating it, but in the sense that I need to allow it, embrace it, and in that release, I will feel less pain. It won't drown me.
My escape plan: is tough to talk about as well, since it involves the forbidden topic. One of the things my therapist has been working with me on is figuring out my exit strategy. It's becoming increasingly obvious that I don't belong where I'm at right now. There's something else my soul longs to do. Somewhere I'm supposed to be. I just haven't figured out what that is yet. I've got a yearning inside of me for something more organic. By organic, I mean intuitive to my soul. My true calling. My heart song. The issue is, I don't know what that "thing" is. It eludes me. And yet, I need to start coming up with a way out of my current situation. I love my family, my husband, most all aspects of my existence. It's just this one thing...
I'm also supposed to start writing after I take my nightly puffs. The cannabis helps open your mind. I just don't think I can stay awake long enough to write anything coherent! I don't think it would yield any real results, but I suppose I'll never know until I try. Maybe the major breakthrough I'm looking for is still locked inside my mind, waiting to be unleashed.
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