Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2015-06-05 05:53:04 (UTC)

Crushing Expectations

Why do days off go by so much faster than work days? So not fair... My therapist mentioned today that my personality type needs more time away from other people than what's considered average. She wants me to take a long weekend each quarter to go to a retreat, or otherwise escape reality. This makes so much sense. I just got back from a "retreat", and I'm ready to leave again. The world overwhelms me.

There's a local little café in Silverdale that specializes in healthy options. Organic, gluten free, paleo, vegan, etc. I've been meaning to stop by, but hadn't gotten around to it. So, Snookums and I went today on a lunch date... It was okay. It's run by one woman and her daughter. There's one lunch special per day (which today was a chicken enchilada bake), and then various muffins and other baked goods. There wasn't much that was gluten free and vegan today (because Monday is vegan day), but I did get to have a chocolate zucchini muffin and a caramel macchiato. While I really like that they have healthy options, there still wasn't much for me (unless I come on Monday). I'll go back, but I'll be sure to make it vegan day.

Aside from being told I need to take 4 vacations a year, therapy was good. I did notice that my therapist didn't seem like herself. She seemed down. Or tired maybe. I felt like I should ask her how she's doing, instead of her asking me. But I didn't, because I don't think that's how it works. I doubt she would have told me anything anyway. I don't know much about her. But considering some of the oversharing therapists have done in the past, I'm fine not knowing.

We touched a little on parenting today, and how I feel I'm doing as a mother. Which on most days isn't a huge issue. I know my kids are happy. They aren't abused or neglected. They're loved, fed, cared for. Everything they need, most of their wants. I know Snookums and I are doing fine. Then some days I feel like I'm not good enough. I can't meet the crushing expectations society has placed upon me. I have no desire to be a stay at home mom, which is what it feels like I should want to be. Being a SAHM sounds like a nightmare to me. A recipe for disaster. And yet I feel like that's what I'm supposed to want. When I don't think like I think society wants me to think, I start to think something is wrong with me. Clearly I overthink! It's okay to like working. It's okay that I don't want to stay home. It's okay that I expect my kids to be self-sufficient. It's not okay to make myself feel like shit because of some abstract concept no one in particular is expecting of me. I'm a good mother. Especially considering my upbringing (therapist's words, not mine).

This evening's activity was a family outing to Point No Point in Hansville. It's a really pretty beach community with an old lighthouse, and a trail I like to walk. Mostly we just strolled, took pictures, and had a good time together. It's moments like that I wish I had more of. One extra day off a week would be awesome. I miss working part time...




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