Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2015-06-04 06:17:34 (UTC)

There is Peace in Letting Go

I've been having a pretty darn good streak these days. I definitely wouldn't call it luck. I've been putting in the work. Making a concerted effort to change my thinking, and approach life differently. Therapy doesn't seem like it's doing much (I complain about mundane shit to a lady who barely responds or offers much constructive feedback), but in reality, I think the idea is to work things out for yourself. If I really need input or intervention, she does (like when she suspected my symptoms were more than just depression, but a physical condition. She was right). The biggest lesson has been mastering the art of letting go. I hold on to everything for dear life. Even if its poisonous. There is peace in letting go. I'm starting to learn the lesson.

I'm not feeling particularly compelled to talk about work. It was good (as good as work can be when you'd rather be doing something else). I really want to go hiking... I don't know if I'll get to tomorrow. Maybe if I get up early, but me and getting up early aren't exactly friends. I definitely need some physical activity that isn't running around at work or sex (I'm definitely not knocking sex, I just really want to go hiking). Maybe I can talk Snookums into going tomorrow afternoon, if it isn't raining.

Speaking of sex (you knew that was coming), things in that department have been going really well. We've been making a concerted effort to NOT go weeks at a time between encounters. A funny thing is happening. The more sex we have, the more sex we want. I'm sure there's some science behind that. It's been nice having not just an emotional connection, but also a physical one. When he touches me, or kisses my neck, I can feel the little electric shocks going through my body. It's a lovely feeling, coming from an almost sexless situation. I explained to Snookums how hard it is for me to be desired by other men, and yet my husband doesn't want to touch me. I'm not at all interested in other men, it's just a reality for me. Most of the time Snookums sees it as a compliment when men are attracted to me, but he took it seriously when I mentioned how hard it is to feel rejected by him and yet, desired by strangers. I'm glad he took it seriously, because I'm not ashamed to admit that I need sex to feel whole and happy. And while I may have been okay seeking it out in other ways in the past, I'm just not interested in that anymore. I want to be a free-loving, hippie, wild child, but it's never worked out in my favor. Well, the hippie part sure. Just not the rest.

I think my diet might actually be affecting my back. In a good way, of course. Veganism is the most anti-inflammatory diet, and the majority of my back pain is caused by inflammation. I've still got some pain going on, but it's totally bearable. I can deal. Yeah, I was dealing before, but in a constant state of misery. I hope that over time things get better. I don't want to have surgery, and that's usually the end result. I still haven't heard back from my doctor, and I don't want to call or make an appointment, because it's always bad news. If I avoid it, they can't tell me things I don't want to hear. Horrible logic, I know...




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