Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2015-06-03 08:00:49 (UTC)

Purgatory

Closing definitely fuels my nocturnal-ness. I don't need help staying up late, but getting home from work at 11pm definitely doesn't help the situation. Thankfully, I don't open tomorrow. That always sucks. Instead, I close again. Usually I'm lucky if I close once a week. I don't know how I ended up closing two nights in a row. In the old store, closing was awful. Customers would destroy the place. It didn't matter how neat it was to begin with, it always ended up completely ransacked. Now in the new store, it's like our customers are actually being more careful. Even with all the additional product, and definitely more people, the store is staying in better shape. Recovery was easy. They're inclined to keep things nice now that we have a beautiful store.

I'd have to say that in general my state of mind these days has been overall in a good place. I might have a slight problem overanalyzing my feelings at times. I'm always checking in with myself to see how I'm feeling, as opposed to just living in the moment and not worrying too much about my state of mind. It's something I'm always thinking about. I don't know if that actually helps me stay positive, or if it forces me to focus a little too much on those moments when I'm less than happy. Like earlier today, I didn't feel like going to work. I procrastinated, left the house 10 minutes later than I like to leave, and ended up hitting traffic. Which caused me to run later than I'd like and I had to rush to get to work on time (something I've been trying to avoid doing). It kind of put me in a sour mood. The first couple hours there, all I could think about is how much I want to be doing something else. The idea of being in control of my time keeps creeping back into my mind. I desperately want to be independently successful, but how the hell do I go about it? It's a conundrum.

After a few hours I got into the groove of what I've been doing for almost 9 years now, and by the time we closed I felt like the day had flown by and it hadn't been bad at all. Most days it isn't, and yet I still find myself less than satisfied with what I'm doing. I need more fulfillment than this job is giving me. Making two cancer patients a year feel pretty just isn't cutting it anymore. And yet, I do love the prestige that comes with working for VS, and the respect I get from associates, the sense of belonging I get from the management team (sometimes). These things keep me from leaving, but for how much longer? Just when it seems like I've become totally disenfranchised, I get sucked back in. Just like last week I was SO ready to walk away, only for a stupid ribbon cutting and new store environment to suck me back in. VS is purgatory.

I'm still longing for the day I get to go back to Hawaii. I was happy there. Although, I can't honestly say if that's more because I was on vacation than because I just inherently "belong" there. Yes, I'm a warm-weather, sun-loving, tropical girl at heart. I hate being cold or wet. But, I've built a life here. It's what I know. I miss the classic Hawaiian stuff (sun, sand, surf, etc.). I miss the vibe of the place. I miss the vegan restaurants. I miss Gen (she isn't really part of Hawaii, but she's there right now), I miss Selena (if she had her way, she'd be in Hawaii forever). I just miss the way I felt when I was there. Yet, I can't decide if those were just vacation feelings, or if I really did have a connection with the place. I know I desperately want to go back, but I can't decide if moving there is what I need to do. My therapist seems to think so. Ultimately, I feel like any decision I make will somehow end up not feeling like the right choice. I'd uproot myself and the family, rehome most of our animals, sell everything, make the move, transfer stores, and then end up feeling like I made the hugest mistake of my life. Even if its the wrong choice, it's just easier to stay put and be (possibly) miserable. Snookums promised me that once he gets working again (a real job with real income), we'll make vacations a priority and we'll go to Hawaii together. Probably during the summer when the kids are with his mother. Maybe that'll be enough.




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