Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2015-05-29 06:26:14 (UTC)

Writing with Intention

Now that I've procrastinated until I'm totally exhausted, I guess I should write. Why do I do that to myself? I need to get in the habit of writing earlier. I know I've said that before, but really... The quality of my writing would probably improve. The content, too. Some nights I rush through it, because I'm too tired to put for reasonable effort. Like tonight, so tired. I just want to get it done, and what's the point of that? It defeats the purpose of writing with intention.

I had the day off. And since I didn't have to go to work, I'm going to try to limit the amount of work talk this entry entails. It wasn't an issue in my life today (other than the hour I spent in therapy blubbering about it). Snookums worked, and told me how things went. Our district manager came to see the new store. Can't say I'm sad I missed out on that. Laura and I don't have the greatest relationship. I'm convinced she hates me. It makes encounters weird. I feel like she finds something lacking in me. It's a terrible feeling. Feeling like you're less than someone else. So, I'm totally cool just avoiding her visits all-together.

So, my day off: As soon as Snookums left for work, I got dressed and headed up to Port Townsend. It's apparently one of my happy places, because I'm drawn to that town. It's also the location of my encounter with Corey. I don't know if I went into detail about that. If not, I don't feel the need to now. It was a special time for me, and it's something I will remember for always. One of those bittersweet memories, you kind of want to forget because it stings a little. But it's also sweet, and important. Special in some way. I just love PT. I took myself to Phoenix Rising mostly to get more of my favorite incense (Mother Earth incense, which is an intoxicating blend of patchouli, cedar, and sandalwood), but also to look around. Each time I go, I must touch everything, smell anything smelly, stroke everything shiny, open every scarf. I just adore Phoenix Rising. I got 20 sticks of incense (and regretted not getting more when I got home), and an enchanting meditation scarf that's a vermillion color with delicate hand stitched beading and sequin work. I love it. The weather was too hot to wear it today, but on a cool day and when the rains return, it will be perfect. I didn't buy anymore jewelry. All of the stuff I really like is expensive, and I don't need to be doing that right now.

After a solid two hours in Phoenix, I walked to Lehani's for lunch. Today I had an amazing bean soup, with a gluten free/vegan Mexican hot chocolate muffin. It was awesome. I love that there's vegan friendly places up there. What's going on with Kitsap? This place needs to get with the times. Sentiments are changing... So, I took my lunch outside since it was such an amazing day. I found a vacant picnic table facing the sound at Adams Street Park. I watched boats float past, the ferry pull into dock, and listened to birds chirp. The park was full of butterflies, too. It really was a lesson in living in the moment. I'm working very hard on noticing all of the good that's constantly around me. I focus too much on negatives, and in doing so, just as many (if not more) positives are shooting past me. Slow down and experience the joys. This is my personal lesson.

I had a late therapy session today. I didn't even know my therapist saw patients at 5:45 in the evening. She wasn't the only therapist doing so, the waiting room was packed. I kind of like the later appointment time, because it gave me a chance to do something with my day. Instead of being smack dab in the middle of the day, making it tough to do other things. We talked almost entirely about work. Because it really is the only thing in my life that I don't feel like is conducive to my overall happiness. And yet I can't leave, either. I'm so stuck. My therapist pointed out something that I noticed a few years ago. Working at VS goes against my natural tendencies and mindset. VS is far from natural. Quite the opposite. Yet, I feel part of something much bigger. Which is what draws me back in and keeps me from leaving. Even if I tried to put in my notice, I don't think it would be accepted. As unimportant as I feel, rationally I know they depend on me. My therapist suggests that I start planning my exit strategy in a way that won't create hardship for the family. I need to figure out what it is I want out of this life, and then go for it. But you need to know what you're looking for before you get to just jump into the deep end like that. I'm not ready to make any kind of move. I'm not ready to make my exit. It could be this week, next year, whatever. But eventually, I will figure out what exactly it is I want from this life.

I'm so sleepy, I can barely keep my eyes open, or form a coherent sentence. Of to bed I go. So sleepy...




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