Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2015-05-28 07:38:05 (UTC)

A Short Moment of Clarity

The store is really starting to come together. I finished bra wardrobing today, and that was an absolute total nightmare. Headquarters sent 6 boxes of bras specifically for the wardrobing center, but when I opened the boxes it was all wrong. There were 3 and 4 of one style when I only needed one. Several styles that aren't called for in the wardrobing center at all, in multiples no less. But several styles I needed, weren't included. So, I had to wander around the store and find them myself. All told, I ended up having 4 full boxes of bras that need to be pushed to the sales floor, or back stocked. The stock room isn't fully set up yet, and neither is the sales floor. So, I left them and hopefully someone else gets around to doing them. If not, I'll deal with it on Friday. I'm off tomorrow and I don't feel the least bit guilty about it. I'm getting far away from VS, if only for one day.

I made the mistake of looking at my paycheck that's going to post tomorrow. This is the check that has the sales incentive in it. They changed the way the formula goes, and basically it's bullshit. I used to make an additional $1,000. This month I got $298, and $276 of it got taken for taxes. So, my hourly pay plus incentive was basically $20 more than my hourly is without the kicker. That's fucking stupid. What's the point of even putting in the effort to make the sales incentive if it's basically peanuts, and the government is just going to take it anyway? I'm done killing myself for it. At this point I can't even decide if any of it's worth it anymore. I go back and forth. One moment I love what I do. I love working for such an iconic brand. Love it or hate it, who doesn't know about VS? I like helping customers. I love the opulence of the new store. The attention to detail. The total package. What I don't love is feeling like I'm dispensable. While I'm sure in the grand scheme of things I am, who wants to feel that way? Sure, there are millions of people who could do my job, but no one has stepped up to the plate to do so. I have experience it would be very hard to replace. So why do I feel so unappreciated?

Today Donna was setting up the office while I was on lunch. I was sitting in the break room, which is right outside of the office. Out of the blue, she asked me if the bottom locker would be too hard for me to reach (because of my back). I told her "no", bending isn't an issue. I was surprised to be getting a locker in the management office. I didn't think I'd be included in that regard. I'm sure it was Donna's way of making me feel like I'm still part of the team. I appreciate her kind gestures, but I know I'm not really a member of management anymore. Just an elevated associate. But most days, that's okay. There's way less stress involved in being solely responsible for bra sales (and nothing more).

I hate that my entries are consumed by my unhappiness at work. Unfortunately, work is the only stressor I have in my life. My one source of dismay. My font of despair. How sad... On the way home from work tonight, I did have a short moment of clarity, though. It occurred to me that maybe the reason I'm so tortured by work, is because I care SO much. I was listening to the radio and the song Stubborn Love was on. "The opposite of love's indifference" is a line in the song that I identify with a lot. If you think about it, it's true. When you love someone or something, you can't stop thinking/caring/trying. But when you stop caring, you don't hate. You just don't feel anything towards them/it anymore. Hate would still be a strong emotional response. So, even when I hate work, I'm still investing vast amounts of energy and attention into it. If I just became indifferent to it all, then I would think the time had come to move on. Because the passion is gone. I have really rough days, but I think the passion is still there. Doesn't mean I can't think about greener pastures. The thing I need to remember is that I could end up leaving, only to discover that the pasture wasn't as green on that side of the fence as I had anticipated.

Snookums sent me a text today talking about how working at VS makes him feel needed and important. I find that ironic, considering my current feelings. But really, those same sentiments are exactly why I've stayed for almost 9 years. There's an allure I wouldn't feel working anywhere else. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. VS is purgatory. No one gets out. Not permanently. He's really trying hard to be added to the stock/brand guide team. I want him to get the chance to do it, even if it's very temporary (he needs a real job). I just worry about his self-esteem if he's told no. I don't know what the rules are for family working in the same store together. We wouldn't have much contact, really. He'd be backroom, I'd be on the floor. He'd work early mornings and overnights, I'd work days or evenings. I'm not his supervisor. I wouldn't be overseeing him. I hope he gets the chance to try.

I'm so sore, my body is exhausted. My back got to the point today where my right leg started to give out from underneath me. I iced it during my lunch break, and took an Epsom salt bath when I got home, but it's still pretty pissed off at me. I'm just thankful I'm otherwise holding up okay. I'm hurting, but it's nothing I can't handle. Once this is all said and done, then I can worry about getting put back together. For now, I'll just keep on keeping on!




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