Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2015-05-24 06:49:35 (UTC)

Wine and Weed

Good news! I'm not a narcissist! I follow a page on Facebook that's essentially a support group for people who are recovering from the affects of being raised by narcissistic parents. Mentally ill parents who have no idea they have a problem. Or if they do know, have no desire to change their behaviors. Well, according to the head expert running the page, a true narcissist would never wonder or think they are, because they wouldn't think there was anything amiss with their behavior. The very fact that I find something wrong with myself would suggest that it isn't narcissism. I'm just self-involved. Which isn't inherently a bad thing. Particularly considering the childhood I had. My needs were rarely met, and now that I'm in control of my life, it's a priority for me to feel cared for. That care needs to come from myself as much as the people around me. More so, even.

Since finding a wine that I actually like, I've been drinking a glass a few times a week. Usually with dinner, or before bed. Then there's my nightly cannabis ritual. After so many years of avoid such substances, I find it amusing that since incorporating them into my life (in an intentional, healthy, moderated way) I'm feeling much happier and balanced. Who would have guessed, weed and wine. I did some research on the benefits of white wine (mostly in the hopes that there were some sort of benefit), and there are a few. Turns out white wine has similar heart health affects as red wine, but also a decrease in dementia, and Alzheimer's risk, decreased cancer risk, and weight loss effects (I don't really care about that, though). Cannabis has a host of health benefits, but for me it helps with anxiety and depression, insomnia, and my constant companion, back pain. Two things that have destroyed countless people's lives are helping me get mine back. It's an interesting paradox.

My dad posted a picture of Annie and I on Facebook this morning. Annie was 2, and I was 18. We were standing in my mother's kitchen with two of my cousins. It wasn't painful looking at the picture. If anything, it made me happy. Happy to see a picture of Annie as a baby (I don't have any. My mother threw them all away when she kicked me out), and happy to be reminded of how far I've come in life. I remember standing in that same kitchen, telling my mother about one of my dates with Snookums, and how one day I was going to marry him. She laughed and told me he would never put up with me. If we did marry, it would only last a year. Well, it'll be 12 years in December. I think we're doing okay! We've had so many peaks and valleys in our marriage. But ultimately we always come back together. Like all of the bad inevitably draws us closer. What tears many couples apart, stitches the fabric of our marriage tighter. Even if I wanted to leave him (and I have), I just don't think I could. We are bonded for life.

Speaking of bonding. I mentioned that I had a conversation with Snookums about our lack of physical intimacy. He's taken that conversation to heart (at least, for now). We didn't have sex that night. It would have felt like he was doing it just because I told him to. I don't want that. I want him to want it, too. We've had sex twice since then, though. Last night was an intentional effort. Snookums planned it. Which is okay, too. Planning it doesn't necessarily mean it lacks feeling or desire. It means it's important, and worth making time for. Tonight (after I'd had a glass of wine), we started kissing and it just happened organically. It was beautiful. Also, the warm buzz of wine combined with sexual arousal is quite lovely. Snookums kissed my neck, and all the stress and pain of the day melted away. I need more of this.

And now my little bit of negativity on the day: I'm unhappy at work. I feel used, and yet oddly unimportant. Like, I have this valuable skillset they need for the overall success of the store, and yet still I'm just a cog in the machine. Use me up, and then replace me with a shiny new cog that can do what I do, probably for less money. No one has said anything like that. This is just how I'm feeling. I'm feeling very driven to find some other line of work. Something more conducive to my lifestyle. Maybe in a wellness field. I don't know what, but I don't think this is going to be what I want forever. This is the same old bullshit I'm always grappling with. Eventually it's going to piss me off enough that I start making some changes.

Even with all of the stuff going on with work, and my constant nagging health issues, I'm in a good place right now. I'm feeling fortunate, and optimistic. I want to keep feeling like this. I have to push away the nagging feelings that there is something bad on the horizon. Maybe there is. Such is life. That doesn't mean I can't enjoy the good that's right in front of me. I will embrace it.




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