Interrupted
My Life Thus Far
The Depths of My Soul
Annie is officially 16 years old. I thought today would be tough for me, but I've made my peace with it. I think the reason this birthday was hard for me, is because she's now the age I was when I became pregnant with her. And remembering that brings back a lot of memories I don't always like dredging up. Time passes and I think I've come to terms with it, but then out of the blue the pain emerges from the depths of my soul. I bury it, but it resurfaces. I am eternally grateful that I had her. If I could go back and change anything in my life, having her wouldn't be one of those things. She's here for a reason. I know she has big things to do in this lifetime and beyond. She's amazing, and I can't believe she's my daughter. And she's 16 years old! Crazy!
I've come to the conclusion that I'm a narcissist. Not in the pathological sense. I don't manipulate people in a malicious way to get what I want. I don't cause others psychological pain. I'm not my mother. I have decided that I focus too much on myself at times. Sometimes its next to impossible for me to even get out of my own head. I'm always searching for happiness, contentment, and peace. Yet, I'm not too concerned with anyone else in my life finding those things. Mostly because I feel like the people around me all have what they need. I'm the only one in my small sphere who appears to be tortured. Also, I really like feeling important and wanted. Whether it's feeling needed at work, or men finding me attractive. It doesn't matter. I have a strong desire to be valued. I've discussed this with my therapist before. She said it stems back to my childhood desire for affirmation. I didn't get the love and attention I needed. I wasn't made to feel special, so I seek it now. Makes sense. But sometimes I feel selfish and self-centered. It makes me hate who I am. I don't want to hate myself, but I also want everyone to love me! It's a confusing headspace to live in.
Tonight I went to Trader Joe's to pick up a few things for dinner. There's a guy who works there that has a thing for me. He used to not talk to me at all, and now he goes out of his way to talk to me. He's always telling me I'm beautiful or wanting to know more about me. I love my husband, but when we're going long stretches without any type of intimacy. When life gets routine. It's kind of nice having a man show me attention. I wish I didn't enjoy it, but I do. Is it so terrible to like that kind of attention? I have made some stupid choices in the past, but I can honestly say I don't want to act on anything. I have no desire to entertain this man. But if he wants to tell me I'm pretty while bagging my bananas, that's okay by me! I won't lie and say I didn't wonder what sex with him could be like. But it stopped there. I don't want to go there again.
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