Jake 🇺🇸

Killing Lions
2015-05-23 04:36:02 (UTC)

how to love

Since graduation (two weeks ago) I've pretty much been vacationing around. Last week I went down to Florida; spent the entire week on the beach with friends. I've always said I'm more of a mountain person but after last week, I think I'm a bit split. The beach is more relaxed and social. The mountains are more active and adventurous.

I've had to say so many goodbyes. I'm leaving the area i grew up in. I guess technically I'm not leaving until August, but I'll be busy w/ an internship in DC this summer. I think the most uncomfortable thing is change. It's not that I hate change, I love it. Instead, change is a taste of the unknown, change is naturally awkward. I was trying to get insurance yesterday and... well... it didn't go as smooth as i had hoped.

I hate to bring this up again (in almost every diary entry) but I'm REALLY lonely. I have a hard time connecting with people. It's not that I'm a loner, but i feel like a fraud, nobody would ever guess that I'm lonely, I'm super busy and always have something do to... The worst part is my difficulty bringing down my defenses. I guess I'm afraid to be vulnerable. I'm afraid of opening up my heart to someone.

I don't know what to do. I wish i had someone who I could talk to and relate to. Someone who is my type, my age. I wish I had friends who wanted me, not needed me... That's kinda what true love, be it brotherly love or intimate love, is. When someone comes to you accordingly by their own free will; that's love. When someone comes to you because they need you, that's mechanical/artificial.

I heard somewhere that people don't change, thus you should stop trying to be someone you're not. I think this has a lot of truth. On the outside people can change their physical appearance, change what they want. However, it's really hard to actually change who you are. Just because you want someting different doesn't mean you've changed who you are.

Well... I'm moving to DC in a couple days, tomorrow I'll get to meet several of the people I'll be living with. This should be interesting...

Alright, I'm tired... g'nite




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