Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2015-05-22 06:36:15 (UTC)

There Is No Reciprocity

I had my first therapy session in 3 weeks today (my therapist was totally booked when I scheduled my appointments a couple weeks ago). I enjoyed having a couple Thursdays off without an appointment right in the middle of the day, but I missed having someone to bounce things off of, too. I don't care how well you may think you've got your shit together, everyone can benefit from therapy/counseling/life coaching/whatever you'd like to call it. I'm doing better because of it. I think it helps keep me in a growth mindset, and striving towards a better life. When I stop going, I become stagnant. I stop making progress, and ultimately sink back into the all-consuming depression. It's such a dark place to be. When I'm in therapy, I'm reaching towards the light. I may not always reach it, but at least I'm on the right track.

Mostly, we talked about Snookums and his stuff (I really want Snookums to see a therapist, but he won't). I feel like he's got some things to work out, and I'm worried about his state of mind lately. He's good to me. Always has been. I know he loves me more than anything, but he's been moody lately. He has zero interest in sex or having conversations. I feel very distant from him at times. Like, we're roommates, not husband and wife. Definitely not lovers. I talked with it some tonight, and I definitely felt like he listened to me, and heard what I was saying. Not just to humor me. He was surprised that I could count on one hand the intimate encounters we've had in the past few months. I enjoy being with him when he feels like doing it, but it's becoming less and less. In the past, if he wanted it and I didn't, it was almost expected that I would submit to his desires. Unfortunately, now that the tables are turned, there is no reciprocity. If I want it and he doesn't, I'm out of luck. We didn't have sex tonight, because I felt like he would simply be doing it out of a sense of duty. But he's aware of my feelings, and that's half the battle... I only cried a little. The part where I was telling him how it felt to feel rejected. I struggle with feelings of rejection. I think that's why I cried picking out Annie's birthday card. Her growing up and leaving is yet another rejection in my life. My baby is leaving me, and that's hard to fathom.

My therapist mentioned something that really got me thinking... she said that I'm living well below my intellect, and potential. She said that with my ability, I should be a wealthy woman. I don't know exactly what she means by that. She didn't elaborate. Occasionally I've felt the same way (I think. Since I don't fully know what she meant), but I'm not sure what to do about it. I don't have the desire to do the work necessary to be a success. I know I could write, but what? I know I can sell, but I need to love what I'm selling. Which I do at Victoria's Secret, but I'm never going to find financial freedom working for someone else. That's a well-known fact. Maybe I'll just start playing the lottery. The sad thing is, financial freedom has never felt like something hugely important to me. I just want to have more money to enjoy life and give more to my family. Perhaps that's enough reason to seek financial freedom.

This afternoon when the kids got home from school, we celebrated Annie's birthday. She opened her presents, then we went out to dinner at the place of her choosing (Lunchbox Laboratory in Gig Harbor). It was fun. I love giving the kids gifts, but I've already mentioned that. After dinner we came home, and the kids had cake and ice cream before bed. This weekend, she's having her best friend from elementary school come and spend the night. They don't live near each other anymore, but she's only a couple towns over. I wish I could give her the moon and stars for her birthday, but a second hand car, a few gifts, dinner and a sleep over will have to do!

I was so disappointed at dinner tonight. Lunchbox Laboratory is known for their innovative food creations. Being vegan, I was relegated to a veggie black bean burger, but I had high hopes. They were quickly dashed. My burger was maybe 3 or 4 millimeters thick, was dry as hell, almost powdery. I asked for BBQ sauce, they forgot it. I asked for onions, I got two little pieces. I did get a healthy portion of avocado, so that was the highlight of my meal. That, and the French fries. I enjoy my meals at home infinitely more than going out now. Which is awesome. Eating at home is better for you all around. Save some money, control your ingredients, season to your tastes.

My mind is all over the place tonight. I don't feel capable of staying on topic, and I keep getting distracted from my writing. See, this is why I could never write a book. If I did, I'm sure critics would think it sucked.





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