Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2015-05-21 06:56:14 (UTC)

Perfectly Content with Normal

I had a wonderful day. My life, generally full of angst and woe, felt very balanced and fulfilling today. It felt (dare I say it?) normal. It was a normal day. I'm not looking to have extraordinary days. At least not all the time. I'm perfectly content with normal.

Snookums and I got up this morning and headed right out the door. We needed to go shopping for Annie's birthday. Which is something I've definitely been looking forward to. As I've mentioned before, there is nothing I love more than shopping for gifts for my babies (well, I love them more, but you know what I mean). I love watching their faces when they open them. Which is what I'm usually thinking about when I'm shopping for them. I wish I had more money to buy them gifts all the time. Not as a replacement for my love. They will always have that. But because I feel that they deserve so much more than I'm able to give them. I want the world for them. Like every good parent does. I know I'm not alone in that.

We didn't take long finding her the perfect gifts. I already had some things in mind. Before heading home we stopped into Target to pick up wrapping paper and a card. I don't know what came over me, but as I was standing in the "Birthday for Her" card section, reading through the different options, I just got really emotional. Like a tidal wave of feelings crashed into me, and pulled me into the undertow. Snookums basically tried to remove me from the situation, because he just can NOT handle me crying, but it truly felt like a moment that needed to happen. I needed to feel those feels. I needed to acknowledge what I was dealing with in that moment. Looking back at it now, I know it stems back to the fact that Annie will be 16 years old. She's almost an adult, and it won't be much longer until she leaves me. I've spend the past 16 years trying to teach her to be her own person, and now that she is, I hate it! I want her to stay small, and be with me forever. I know it won't happen, but I'm not ready to say goodbye, and I realized that that day is soon coming. Which was why I got emotional. I don't feel like I've been as good of a mother to her as I could be, and that ship is leaving harbor. It's too late to start over. Never has she told me that I've done a poor job mothering her. These are my insecurities.

I was able to pick out the perfect card, and find the rest of the things we needed without further breakdowns. I wish I hadn't felt silly in that moment. I felt incredibly silly for crying. Even though I look back at that moment, and can validate those feelings. I know what I'll be talking with my therapist about tomorrow...

Snookums had school this evening, so I ended up taking Kiki, Keenan, and one of our neighbor girls to Battle Point Park on Bainbridge Island. It's my favorite city park. It's beautifully maintained, with two ponds that host resident populations of duck and geese. Plus lots of baby birdies, 1.5 miles of trail, and an amazing playground for the kids. I needed to get out into the sunshine and stretch my legs. The first 1.5 miles was fantastic. I felt better than I have in weeks, but I made the mistake of going around another time (for a total of 3 miles), and half way through that second lap, I knew I was going to pay for it. I was reduced to a limp by the time I got back to the car. But it was so worth it! I love being out in nature. Whether it's a small urban park, or a national forest. I'm always willing to be outside!

I ate dinner, took a shower, and am now laying in bed with an ice pack on my throbbing spine. I'm paying dearly for my evening walk. God, it shouldn't have to be like this... but I'm trusting the process, allowing myself to be vulnerable, and staying optimistic that things will turn out for the best. I can't allow myself to think anything less.




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