Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2015-05-20 05:13:18 (UTC)

My Misfortune Alone

I'm doing my very best to not play the victim. I could easily slip into a diatribe about how life is so unfair. How bad things always happen to me. How I can never seem to catch a break. How nothing ever goes my way. I could. I want to. But I won't. And it isn't even true. Yes, I do seem to draw the short straw now and then. But, I don't think that's my misfortune alone. I think there are millions of people who have unfortunate things happen to them on a regular basis. I'm not aware of them though, because I'm not living their life. I'm living mine, and as shitty as circumstances can be at times, I'm not blind to the fact that I have a pretty good life (all things considered).

I read somewhere (because I'm always reading something), that dwelling on our problems, complaining, "venting", all lead to the perception of defeat and keep negative emotions/thoughts/feelings at the forefront of our minds. If you aren't actively working towards a solution, put it out of your mind. If it's something you can't control. Something you can't fix. A state of being that has no solution. Then why dwell? Move on. Fix it, or let it go. I haven't read this sentiment once. I've read it several times. From several sources. And yet, I still find myself falling back into the same patterns.

This diary is the one place I will allow myself to dredge up some negative feelings. I truly believe that in the writing of these feelings/emotions, it's acting as a source of resolution. If I'm able to write them down, think on them more deeply, I'm giving myself an avenue to brainstorm. The people in my life care about me. I'm sure of that. But I also don't think the people I encounter on a day to day basis really want to hear about all the things I've got going on. They care, but what are they going to do about it? Hearing for the hundredth time that I'm in pain does neither them nor me any good. So, unless someone asks, I'm not volunteering any information. I can cope in silence.

This evening, Snookums and I went for a walk in downtown Poulsbo. As we were walking along the boardwalk (and my back was of course hurting. It hurts more today than it ever has before), I came to the conclusion. The acceptance, really. That I will probably be in some degree of pain for the rest of my life. I'm not writing this as a negative statement. It's simply fact. After doing more research, I've learned that pain management is a lifelong pursuit for the vast majority of people who have similar conditions to mine. I have a very high tolerance for pain. Which is why I waited so long to say anything about it. In my experience, waiting things out is mostly effective. If I let my body heal itself, the pain will eventually leave. Well, this isn't one of those situations, unfortunately. Never does DDD (Degenerative Disk Disease) resolve itself without interventions. As I've mentioned before, I'm willing to do what I must (within reason).

I haven't mentioned my veganism in a bit (also something the vast majority of the people in my sphere are less than interested in). It's going splendidly. Not including the back pain, I feel well. I feel healthy. I feel peaceful. Like, this is what I'm supposed to be doing. I haven't placed any limitations on myself. If it stops feeling right, then so be it. If I stop enjoying life, or if my healthy suffers (not that I expect it would. I'm doing things right this time), then I'll address those issues in the moment. I've had a few moments where I've felt overwhelmed by the fast array of vegan recipes I want to try. I don't get enough time in the day to cook everything I've been discovering. I also can't eat like I used to. I get full so quickly. So, there are always tons of leftovers. The family isn't complaining! I'm so proud of how accepting Snookums and the kids have been. They're eating so much more healthy options. It's not uncommon for the family to go 3 or 4 days without meat, which is a victory any way you look at it. Less carbon footprint for the planet, more veggies for my growing babies. It makes me so happy! Keenan told me a few days ago that he'd like to become vegetarian. This actually doesn't surprise me. In his 6 years, it's always been a struggle getting him to eat meat. He will eat most any fruit or veggie I offer, but will leave the meat on his plate. I never made him eat it (I don't believe in the "clean your plate" rule), but now I'm totally okay with just not giving it to him at all.

I'm off work for the next two days, yay! I'm looking forward to sleeping in a little tomorrow, then we get to go shopping for Annie's birthday presents! I love buying my kids presents. I love it way more than getting gifts. It's one of my favorite things, watching them light up. Even at Annie's age, I'm pretty good at getting things they like. Speaking of age, I still can't believe Annie's going to be 16... where have the years gone? They slip away so fast.




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