Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2015-05-18 06:58:12 (UTC)

Controlling My Controllables

I woke up feeling much more positive. I think clearing off my nightstand and a fresh floral arrangement was the perfect way of lightening up my living space. The Book of Awakening has a prominent place back on my nightstand, but I didn't actually open it today. I need to get back into it. It's such a great help in my eternal quest for enlightenment. I need to get back into reading even my pleasure books. I love reading so much. Why does "real" life have to occupy so much of my free time? I need an extra hour in the day just for pleasure reading.

I told myself before I even left the house this morning (for work) that I wasn't going to let anything get to me like it did yesterday (or the day before). Over the past few months I've been doing a much better job of letting shit go. Of relinquishing control, and letting things happen as they will. Ultimately, I'll never have as much control over my universe as I would like. So, I need to learn to accept what really is beyond my control. It isn't giving up, or rolling over. It's learning how to cope with the unexpected stuff life will always dish out. I can't control a lot more than I've been willing to admit to myself. I do a damn good job controlling my controllables, though. I will never give that up. I'm a problem solver by nature.

I'm falling apart again. In addition to my back problems (which are still flaring up), I now have a dime sized hard, painful lump on my right areola. I'm not worried it's cancer or anything. I'm sure it's probably a minor case of mastitis, but seriously. I'm not pregnant or nursing, why is this happening? Also, my left big toe is swollen, purple-ish/blue and super tender. Snookums says it's an ingrown toenail, but I've never had one of those before, and when I was inspecting it closely I couldn't find any evidence of an ingrown nail. At all. It's so weird. Why can I only have two months of actually feeling good? It wasn't a perfect couple of months, but it was pretty damn good. Life frustrates me. I'm tired of health issues. I envy people who go years with no health problems. Nothing is serious enough for me to make an appointment for it (other than my back. I'm still waiting for a phone call for that). It's just annoying. If only tantrums for adults were socially acceptable. I'd have one daily. I imagine it would be exceedingly cathartic.

I'm currently sitting in bed, having a glass of wine (peach Moscato). I'm sleepy, my head feels fuzzy, and I'm slightly over warm. I can't decide if I actually like the way alcohol makes me feel. Back in my rebellious days, I drank tequila shots to get drunk quickly. I was covering up the huge pain that consumed my sober life. I've never been addicted to anything (other than food, although that relationship is on the mend), so it was very much a conscious choice. I did it because I wanted to. It wasn't a compelling need. There's a huge difference. Once I decided to give up that lifestyle, I stopped drinking all-together because I just don't like the taste. This bottle of wine is the first I've been able to palate. It's not as good as kombucha or my morning smoothie, but it's tasty (for alcohol). The thing is, I'm not convinced wine is at all good for you. I'm not sure I like how I feel when I drink more than a few sips. I actually think it does more damage than any kind of good. Unlike cannabis. This morning when I looked in the mirror, I felt like I looked a little haggard and tired. Even though I slept well, I looked like I hadn't. Maybe it's premature to blame alcohol for that, but I don't want to look any more tired than I already feel! I get to sleep in tomorrow, so we'll see how I look and feel in the morning.




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