Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2015-05-11 06:40:51 (UTC)

My Mother Is Toxic

Today was Mother's Day (in the US. I have international friends on Facebook, and I don't think it is everywhere). Generally speaking, Mother's Day hasn't been the best holiday for me. My mother and I are estranged (if you haven't read my early entries, her husband raped me, and she stayed married to him. This is the very VERY abridged version of that story). Partly because Annie (my stepfather's child, if you didn't know that) and I can't (and won't) have contact with her husband (Annie's bio father), and mainly because my mother is toxic. She's suffering from severe mentally illness and completely unable to admit she needs treatment. She was diagnosed bipolar schizophrenic and has had minimal treatment. She's not safe to be around. But it still hurts me to know she's out there, alive, and still choosing a rapist over her daughter and grandchildren. She's never seen or met Kiki and Keenan. This is for their protection. I just wish it didn't have to be this way...

The second unfortunate facet of Mother's Day (for me) is guilt. I spend the majority of my time battling demons. I feel selfish, self-centered, broken, and in no way prepared to mother the way I'd like to. Rationally, I know my children have everything they need. They're clothed, fed, loved beyond measure, safe and sheltered. I'm doing my job as a mother. And yet, I want to do and be SO much more. It's not about comparisons. I don't look at other mothers and wish I was them. Or could do what they do. It's really based on ideas and expectations I've somehow established for myself. I can look at other mothers (who may even be struggling with the basics), and appreciate their efforts, and the obvious love they have for their kids. And yet, I can't extend myself the same empathy and understanding. I'm doing my best. Battling mental illness makes every little thing that much more of an obstacle. But I try so hard. Why can't I give myself even a little credit?

Today has been the most calm, comforting, and guilt-free of all the Mother's Days. Despite the deep seeded feelings of inadequacy I may always harbor inside of me, I had a great day with my kids! As planned, we went hiking. Only, I left the choice up to them. We looked through my hiking book and picked a trail that was relatively easy, kid-friendly, and had some sort of reward at the end (waterfall, hot springs, WWII bomber wreckage were all in the running). They decided on the Olympic Hot Springs. The trail up had been under reconstruction for years. Every time we tried to go up, the road to the trailhead was still closed. So, we took our chance today before another mudslide comes along and cripples it again. It was only a 2.4m hike (each way), on a relatively flat trail. There were lots of little waterfalls, bridges, river views, and animal sounds to keep us entertained. At the end, we were rewarded with gorgeous bluish green pools of very hot water. I know in the distant past (late 1800's) there used to be a sanitarium type resort on the grounds, but it burned down and was never rebuilt. I wish it had. I need some lengthy time spent in those pools. I let the kids take off their socks and boots, and put their legs in. We didn't bring suits. But we will next time. The water has medicinal/wellness properties, which is obvious by it's heavy sulfuric smell. It reminds me of the clay mask I've been using. The springs had that same type of clay coating their floors, and coming out of the bubbling holes feeding them. It's a magical place, for sure. I can't wait to take Snookums.

After our amazing hike, the kids and I came home. I got them fed, cleaned, and ready for bed. Then Snookums took me out to dinner. We had Mexican. It's his favorite, and ethnic cuisine is easier for me to veganize. I had spinach enchiladas with pinto beans and rice. It was flavorful and super filling. It was two corn tortillas stuffed with spinach, mushrooms, onion, and jalapeños, then coated with a verde sauce and pico, guacamole on the side. The beans and rice were good, but nothing special. Mine are better. But then again, I bet my spinach enchiladas would be too, if I tried! The funny thing about being vegan, is that I find my possibilities to be almost overwhelmingly endless. No, I'm not using meat, eggs, or dairy, but think about what all is left. I don't see how people become bored or malnourished. Unless you're living off soy dogs and processed meals like I did the first time. Ugh, I was so stupid.

Before I close, I just want to reflect on all of the good in my life. The reality is, the good is always there. There isn't anything extraordinary going on that's making my life fantastical. It's the same awesome stuff. Even some of the same shitty stuff. I'm just coping with that crap better. I had a moment during the hike where I really had to employ some of my new tools. I had a panic attack while crossing a log bridge. It was one log spanned across a very active river 10ft below. It wasn't safe. It was super scary. Right in the middle, the makeshift handrail (branches nailed to 2x4's) narrowed to only about an inch diameter, and it was wobbly. I froze. I lost my focus. I started to shake. I thought I wasn't going to make it. But instead of just letting the panic set in. I took a few deep breaths, closed my eyes, and envisioned myself safely walking across. When I'd calmed down some, I did it. Just as I'd envisioned it. A few months ago, I wouldn't have been able to cross that bridge. I'm sure millions have done it successfully, but today this was my victory. My life will be lived one small victory at a time...




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