Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2015-04-30 08:09:00 (UTC)

Blossoming Sexuality

As far as days go, today is right up there with some of my best days. There's nothing extraordinary about it, I just feel like I really owned it. For once, nothing too terribly unfortunate happened.

I facilitated a bra certification class at work. This isn't really something in my job description, but I'm the most qualified to do it. I find that I actually enjoy it. Perhaps because it's something I'm passionate about. I love what I do, and that translates in my teaching style. I love engaging with the associates and answering their questions. This is growth over not wanting to engage with them at all, like I would have done (or not done, I guess) in the past.

The highlight of my day was drinking wine, laying naked in bed, talking with Snookums. I love him to death, but he isn't the type of guy to open up and share his feelings readily. Yet, if you give him a glass of rose`, he's all kinds of warm and fuzzy with the feelings. Duly noted. Eventually we did get around to making love (I hate that euphemism, but sometimes "having sex" sounds too clinical). After being together for 12 years, and struggling to get him to fully acknowledge my wants and needs (when it comes to that) I finally feel like he's getting to know my likes and dislikes. I don't think I'm particularly picky when it comes to sex, but I know what works. For the longest time he wasn't comprehending or something. Finally, he's getting it. We don't make time as often as we should, but when we do, it's consistently good.

Tonight I had an old acquaintance message me on Facebook. We went to high school together, and had a very brief relationship. I wouldn't even say we dated. We went on a single date, which quickly turned into an awkward sexual encounter. I was 6 or 7 months pregnant with Annie at the time, and felt like my sole existence on the planet was to be a play thing for the men in my life. I had little self-worth, no self-esteem, and not a whole lot of positivity when it came to my future or what I deserved as a person. Basically, I didn't care. We went on one date to the drive in (I don't even remember the movie, because we didn't watch much of it). He drove a beat up pick up truck with a canopy on the back, and carpet in the bed. A little cocoon. I remember him softly laying me down in the bed, peeling off my clothes, and gently caressing my body. He spent a particularly long time rubbing my swollen belly. I found it slightly odd, since it wasn't his baby, but I let him. Eventually we had sex. It was nothing special. I didn't come. It was over quickly. We sat in silence during the rest of the movie, then he took me home. We saw each other in passing at school, and at church, but we never really spoke of it, or went out again. We've been friends on Facebook for years, but he hasn't really been active until recently. I don't know what changed in his life, but he messaged me tonight, and confessed that he's loved me for over 16 years. He told me that at the age of 17, he wanted to marry me and adopt Annie as his own. He's been watching my life over the years and waiting for the right time to tell me all this. I asked him what made now feel like the right time. He couldn't really say other than he just felt like he couldn't keep it in anymore, but I suspect it has something to do with his currently failing second marriage. I feel for him, but I don't know how to tell him that the feelings just aren't mutual. Turns out I was also his "first". I didn't know that at the time. But I hear you never forget your first. I didn't get to have the usual adolescent experiences with blossoming sexuality, so I wouldn't know. The whole situation makes me feel uncomfortable. He still has ties to Washington. His family still lives close to me, and I worry that he may go from a cyber presence to an actual presence. He wants to talk more tomorrow, so I guess I'll see where this goes. Nowhere is where I'm hoping...

Apparently, I needed to talk about sex tonight! I must be ovulating...




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