Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2015-04-12 05:11:56 (UTC)

10 Ways to Prove Them Wrong

I've come to the conclusion that other people are the root cause behind me not liking myself very much. I'll elaborate on that later, I just needed to jot that epiphany down...

This morning I woke up naturally on my own (no alarm needed), had my morning smoothie, dressed, and headed to the gym. It feels fantastic to be back in the swing of things, but not utterly obsessed with getting in the "perfect" workout, burning 1,000 calories, or doing exactly "insert arbitrary and irrational set amount" of reps. I do what feels good. I shoot for a nice burn, a good stretch, and the rest of the time I focus on putting good things into my body. I'm not trying to out exercise a bad diet. Which never works.

I approached work with the same balanced, open-minded approach. I competed with no one, and yet still came out on top. Just without the stress of worrying if I was making sales, getting credit for sales, or being stolen from. Ultimately if I do a good job with the customers I touch, they'll make sure the cashier knows who helped them. I can't keep letting sales contribution consume me.

During lunch I was scrolling Facebook on my phone and encountered a conversation in a group I've been a part of for about a year. I haven't been happy in this group in awhile. So much so, that I rarely post or comment on anything. I feel like the admin and I don't see eye to eye on many topics. To the point where sometimes I feel almost attacked if I don't agree with her stance. So, as she was poised to dig into me about attachment parenting, of all things, I calmly decided that this was the perfect moment to make my exit. I left the group. I also left another group she admins. Which led me to leave a dozen or more other groups I'm just tired of seeing pop up in my newsfeed. Which in turn pushed me to do the same on my friends list. I unfriended 15 people, unfollowed a few more, and in a few weeks if none of them have made an attempt to engage with me, then they're going too. This woman normally messages people when they leave the group, particularly if it's in the middle of a discussion, but she hasn't contacted me. This leads me to believe that she's glad I'm gone, and my suspicions about her not liking me are accurate. I rubbed her the wrong way simply by not seeing things her way. I value everyone's opinion, but don't expect me to roll over and be one of your groupies. Good riddance.

So, back to the epiphany above. My little deleting spree helped me see that it's really the people who don't like me, who almost make me doubt myself as a person, that are leading me to believe that I'm not a worthy human being. I wonder what it is about me that makes them not like me? I used to be totally ambivalent when it came to being likeable, but now I want others to value me. I want to be someone others respect and look up to. Whenever someone doesn't, it makes me wonder what's wrong with me, and I start to doubt my lovability. Even my likeability. People you barely know shouldn't have that kind of power. So, I took it away. At least on a cyber level. Only the people I love (and who love me back) are allowed in the circle! I still hear a lot of the negative things my mother used to say to me. The words are always in my head. Sometimes I look in the mirror, and I don't like what I see. No matter how pretty people tell me I am, give me a minute and I'll find 10 ways to prove them wrong.

I sat at the kitchen bar, sipping green tea, while baking gluten free/vegan brownies, and deleting people/groups from my Facebook. It was a fabulous evening. I have lived in a world full of ugly for far too long. Love and light as much as possible. This is what I'm promising myself. Now if I could bring myself to actually socialize, instead of relying on Facebook, that would be even better!




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