Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2015-04-02 06:29:11 (UTC)

Honestly, I Don't Give A Damn

I'm feeling great today. My sense of well-being is at an all-time high. I've been putting in the work every day, and it's starting to pay off. I'm not delusional enough to think everyday is going to be a great day, but I'm taking life one moment, one experience, one thing at a time. That's all I can do. I'll continue doing all of the positive, rejuvenating, soul-building stuff I've been doing to keep myself on the right path. A few days ago I had a friend tell me that she wants her life to be like mine. I want more of that, and I want to feel like I've earned it. Because from the outside looking in, my life has always looked great.

Tomorrow our district manager is coming to the store to do our yearly merchandise flow certification (making sure the back room is clean and organized to standards). Usually I stay late to help get the store recovered, but at this point in time I'm not feeling as self-sacrificing as I used to feel. I've given too much of myself in the past. I didn't feel like it was appreciated or even necessary now that I look back on it. I show up, do my job, and leave. For now I'm doing what's expected of me. Doing my job to the fullest, but nothing above and beyond. I can't keep giving of myself and yet feeling like what I give is never good enough. I left at 5:15pm today, and not the least bit of guilt was felt. I've worked 6 days in a row, I have the next two off, and I won't be thinking about work or merch flow certification. Honestly, I don't give a damn.

My body is starting to change. I'm not surprised, it's to be expected. I'm still having just a little bit of a tough time accepting the changes, though. There's a weird sense of panic when a lump or bump I'm used to feeling is suddenly gone. Okay, maybe not suddenly (I've been fairly focused on eating well for the better part of a month, and of course I'm back to the vegan life). I desperately want to feel confident in my skin. I'm proud of myself for not feeling gross or disgusting, even though I'm not where I want to be. Old me would be tearing myself apart and shaming my body to no end. I know that my actions (and inactions) are what got me to this point. And it will be my actions that reverse the damage. My body is healthy, even if there is a little extra weight on board. I can lose that. I know what to do, I've done it before and this time I'm not going to be my own worst enemy while I do it. Day 2 at the gym was another success. I'm focused. Eyes on the prize, and that prize is my true, authentic self!




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