Screened In Porch

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2015-03-29 15:35:52 (UTC)

Sadness kicking in...

I should feel a little better after the BFF offered the electric wheelchair for free. Damn. But now I am seriously dreading taking
it over there. But I do hope it works and I will figure that out
when I need too.

I just dread being around the biological family. Do not feel it
like she does. I am beginning to realize that all that dread is not
their fault. It is mine. After all, I am the one feeling it and
creating boundaries that void us of getting to know one another better.

I do not know....

Gaining an extra ten pounds lately has practically stopped me in
my tracks. I can not believe how much my stomach has swelled out
there...rolls of fat all the way to my back. It does not show
in my face, arms or legs, just my stomach area. It is disgusting.
Not to mention I am drained of any energy I was enjoying before.

I know this is time to make changes.
Seriously.

I have stopped drinking so much. Hardly ever. And when I do,
I only drink 2 or 3 instead of the 7 or 8. It is a start. I am
too lazy feeling to even shower everyday. Every other day. Have
went longer only finally taking one when I actually have something
to do or drive too. Things are slowing down.

I am slowing down too. This is not good.

Today, I have taken a shower, my hair is still in a towel. I have
on my bath robe. I am going to fix my hair and try to figure out
what to wear. This is a main problem these days. I can still wear
some of my pants. But they are tighter than someone my age needs to
have them. Not just because of the way they look, but I do not
need my insides crushed into my middle area; it takes my breath.
Seriously.

If I am going to be a fat ass, I need to wear the correct size.

Example.

On HSN I ordered two sets of the Yummy shape wear which included
two tank tops, a regular pair of panties, one with the short legs
and one with the legs and high top.

I ordered a set in extra large and a set in 1x-2x.

I can barely get on the larger size. Realizing this last night
when I tried them on caused me to slid into a dark place. I am
very very disappointed in myself and very sad.

Very sad.

Not I am going to kill myself sad, but a sad that makes me
want to stay at home, in my room, in bed away from other people.

This is not good. I know that.

Dear lord. Please help me.
You know what to do. I am
lost again. I need you.

Today, I am getting out of here. Even if I just ride to the
post office.

I am almost out of MJ too. Do I get some more or do I just
run out and move on? Is it helping me? Hell yes it is
helping me. It helps my pain and I do not have to be
drugged out on muscle relaxers to get relief.

I need to figure this out.

NutraSystem is n my future...

I have a busy week coming up. I must go to the closing on
Wednesday and company stuff on Thursday.....

I go to the YMCA today for a while.....

and need to try to do that this week as well.

I want in that steam room and sauna.

I ordered a black swim suit in a size 16.

If it does not fit, I will not order anything larger.

I should be wearing a size 8.
Or at least a 12.

Whatever

The larger I get the more I hurt. This all intensifies my
feeling of sadness. This is different than depression.
I am functioning fine....focusing on what I need to in
order to get things done.

I have a plan to get more organized but I still can not
get these guys here to help me do anything.

They act like I have killed them when I say something like...

Hey guys, I have a plan to move some things around in my
bedroom. When would be a good time for the two of you
to help me do that?

The look I get is as if I knocked them both off their feet.

Another reason living somewhere else on an island does not
have to include either of them. I look more forward to
going to the carribean with my BFF...never even imagined
these two guys to go. Got a feeling I will be abandoning
them when or if I do this. But these two will not even
notice it until I have already been gone a while...
lol

Can not wait till this happens...

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