Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2015-03-21 07:21:59 (UTC)

A Life of Service

Sleep shouldn't be too much of a challenge tonight... I'm tired. I closed tonight, which I don't do very often, so I'm feeling it. I'm not complaining, though. Aside from that, I feel amazing.

I did something very big today. Something I've never done before... I booked a round trip ticket to Hawaii. For the first time in my entire life, I'm going away by myself. I've never been on a trip alone. I've never flown on a plane by myself. I've been a mother fully half of my life (16 years), I left my parent's house for my husband's house. I've never been alone for any length of time. It took a therapist to bring that to my attention. I have lived a life of service to everyone around me, and do little to serve myself. I'm finally going on the "spiritual retreat" my therapist suggested I go on over 5 months ago. I'm having a hard time not feeling guilty about it. I keep thinking of all the things I could do with my kids with the money. How I should set it aside for them. They have everything they need, much of what they want, and yet I still can't even do something for myself without feeling like I'm fucking up. Yes, I still have work to do. When I think about my upcoming trip (which is only 3 weeks away), I'm frightened. Although, I'm not entirely sure why. I think the idea of being really and truly alone is at the root of it.

One week back on the vegan wagon, and all is well. I feel amazing. The idea isn't to focus on what I CAN'T have, but to focus on lots of healing, nurturing, whole foods. I'm not putting any limits on the good stuff. I also believe that we can all help the planet by easing the burden of conventional agriculture. A lot of land and resources goes into meat, dairy, eggs, etc. Tonight I made an amazing bean dip with organic pinto beans, green chile, nutritional yeast, and Daiya pepper jack "cheese" shreds. All I can say is, "cheese" has come a long way since the last time I went vegan. I try to avoid soy and I didn't think there was a cheese substitute that didn't have loads of soy in it. I love it! Definitely feeling like this is something I can continue with. No restriction, just self-love. Eating well is the greatest expression of self-respect.




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